cont'd... (A Coastie Christmas 2)

 The Coastie rolled over and drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I started to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent, so still,
The Coastie just shivered, from the cold, dark night's chill.
When I left that old cutter, all tossing and turning
Deep down below, the screws were still turning
As the clouds rolled on in, and sea turned to foam
In the far off distance, a light barely shone
The Coasties were up now, about on the decks
and the light that I spyed was barely a speck
So, I gave them a wink, as old glory proudly waved
For on this Christmas Eve, a life would be saved.

HONOR - RESPECT - DEVOTION TO DUTY

----------

Whew! Nice and long, nice and sad, nice and true. Well, maybe except for the Santa part, but don't tell. I'll write more and add more pictures later. I hope you all are well, and enjoying your last day of 2003! :)

The quote for the day will be on the next entry- for right now,m I'll leave you with, "A picture is worth 1,000 words." - anon.

PS: Pictures are of Dad having some Aiden-time (in the COOLEST chair EVER- it gives you up to a 1/2 hour massage- soooo gooooood!) and Tobin playing with Gabby's new keyboard. He sang his entire ABC's on that microphone- except the HIJK "uh-uh-uh-uh-P" part. And, Gabby *completely* dranched in sparkles. Is there another way for a 2-year-old-girl to be? :)

..cont'd (A Coastie Christmas)

The Coast Guardsman's Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, the cutter was steaming,
Coasties on watch, while others were dreaming.
Lookouts above, engineers in the hole
An unfamiliar sight, not like the North Pole.
I landed on deck with presents and gifts,
Hoping that somehow, their spirits I'd lift
I looked all about, a strange sight did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stockings were hung, shined boots close at hand,
On the bulkhead hung pictures of a far distant land.
They had medals and badges and awards of all kind,
More dedicated men, I know I can't find.
For this place was so different, so dark and so rough,
I think I'd discovered, what made Coasties so tough.
A Coastie lay sleeping, silent, and alone,
Curled up in a rack and dreaming of home.
The face was so gentle, the decks squared away,
Gob Bless our Coast Guard, I started to pray.
For this was the hero, I saw on TV,
Pulling lives from the water, and battling the Sea
Defending the Homeland, keeping drugs off the street
Coasties do it all, cause freedom's not free.
I realized the families that I would visit this night,
Owed their lives to these Coasties who lay willing to fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate on this Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom and safety all year,
Because of the Coastie, like the one lying here.
I couldn't help wonder, how many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve, on a sea far from home.
Just that very thought, brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.
The Coastie awakened, and I heard a calm voice,
"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice."
"Defending the homeland all days of the year,
So others may live and be free with no fear."
I thought for a moment, what a difficult road,
To live a life guided by honor and code.
After all it's Christmas Eve, and the ship's underway!
But freedom isn't free and it's Coasties who pay.

Pictures!

Okay- this entry is solely for pictures. I will write, and probably later today, but I have GOT to take advantage of the fact that Manny has Tobin right now, and get some cleaning done. My house is CHAOS. So... here are some pictures, labeled in their respictive order:

1) Tobin playing with a CUTE little girl when we went out for pizza Sunday night.

2) a "Pizza seed"... because, as you know, pizza grows on trees.

3) NASTY water, threatening to eat my car as I drove Porky to Vacaville Monday. The weather was SO cold, windy and rainy. Yuck.

4&5) Tobin fell asleep in the car. Awww. One can never have too many sleeping baby pictures. :)

6) Porky and I in the HOWLING FREEZING wind & rain. I think I look like a muppet.

7) Grammy (who we met in Vacaville) getting some much-needed Aiden time

8) Tobin wearing Grammy's earrings & necklace. (they are little globes- you can see if you look close- we just hooked the earrings over his ears (HE wanted them!!) and they stayed. He was pretty happy. (Now Randal... he'll live, and so will you :)

9) Yay, nursing! Breast is best! (sidenote- Aiden is wearing the outfit given to him by Marc & Jen- I LOVE it!!)

Okay, well- I'm going to attack my DDGRs now, while I have a chance. Ooh! I almsot forgot I was going to put up a poem Randal sent me about a Coastie Christmas. Some of you may have read it already, but here it is, if you haven't. (I have to put in on the cont'd entry, since it's kinda long. But then I can fit more pictures!

...cont'd

It it's always hard when he leaves. I had a pretty good day, though-  I know now to just keep busy, which is never really hard. I came home & went straight to work (ugh- not that I don't love my job, but I was TIRED!) and took care of the kids all day ...and then there's the night, when it's quiet and the kids are asleep and I'm left to myself. The sheets always seem an extra special few degrees colder the first night he's gone. I got in and lay still, trying to let the LEAST amount of sheet touch me as possible.

My mind drifted to the night before, when my sheets where actually a tolerable, if not pleasant temperature. We were laying and talking, and I just had to stop and take in... I don't even know. The moment, my life, the fact that the kids were asleep, Randal, the room, everything. It was like a small part of the love I know is everywhere came down and touched me, and for a moment, everything stopped. That is why I married him, and I felt the warmest and safest I'd ever felt with him laying the closest to me that two people could be in our nice warm sheets.

And then, back to reality in my arctic sheets, I got to stare at the wall, wondering why I had to be alone. Ah yes, the eternal balance. I'm okay with it all, though. I know it's perfectly normal and even good to be sad, and I don't have to hide it. I also know that pimping out my sadness would be irritating to others AND myself. It's really hard on your insides when you choose to hang onto your grief just too feel it, and just to feel validated in your inadequacies. I've seen a lot of people use crap that happens to them to cover up things they don't feel like dealing with, and it's just sad. I refuse to be one of those people.

Well, there's enough of Julie-Philosophy for you. Aiden is asleep and Manny finally took Tobin, so I'm going to try and tackle my house. I knew I had to get cleaning when the first thing that popped into my mind when I walked in the door was, "It's aliiiiiive... AAALLIIIIIVE!!!!" So- time to adorn myself in my Domestic Goddess attire (I should start my own line!) and rid my palace of the conquering clutter.

Hiho dustmop, awaaaaay!

quote for the day: "Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is." H. Jackson Browne

PS: There are 1227 hits on this site, and it's 12/27. Cool.

...cont'd (internal skies)

...cont'd

The first picture is of the drink that started it all, which we got at The Rainforest Cafe- it is SO COOL in there! I tried to get some pictures, but the lighting was too dark for my crap camera phone. (not that I dont *love* my phone, but it's certainly not the coolest camera out there.) but you can check out pictures for yourself @ www.rainforestcafe.com . Coolness. The second is of a building in Union Square- that little light allll the way at the top is where we went dancing. It's called Harry Denton's Starlight Lounge- that was really fun. I hadn't been dancing in YEARS. When we left the dancefloor, other people were patting us on the back and saying, "Good job!" ..... Okaaaay, then. Apparently they liked us dancing as much as we did. Sweet.

We had Christmas with my sisters, parents and granparents Saturday, so Randal could have some form of Christmas, since he really hasn't in four years now. He still had to spend the actual day doing boardings somewhere in Southern Ca, but at least it was something. We got a LOT of sushi-related stuff, which is fiiiiine by me, since it's pretty much my favorite food. (aside from dark chocolate and/or raspberries. Mmm.) He's going to have to practice making it next time he's home. Mmmm. Sushi.

He left Tuesday morning- I had to bring him back to SF at 0500 (that's Coastie-speak for o'dark-thirty) Porky stayed the night to stay with Tobin, and we brought Aiden with us. We got there just in time for sunrise- it's amazing the shortness of time it takes from the world to go from completely dark to completely light. I don't have too much experience with sunrises (I'm a bit like Captain Hook in regards to alarm clocks- there's that inner Pirate again!) but they're actually mostly worth getting up for, if your husband isn't leaving you as soon as it's over.

I was thinking on the way home that it was kind of ironic that the world went from dark to light so fast, as mine did the exact opposite. The sky was grey, everything bare and drab.... nice and abismal to see me off back to my Randal-less life.  The drive through the city wasn't so bad, though. The streets were as lonely as I was. (aww) But as soon, as I approached Santa Rosa, the skies cleared. Too bad it took a bit longer for my internal skies, if you will, to clear.

Didja miss me?

Things that have come and gone in the last week for $500, please:

My husband, Christmas, my grandparents, my best friend, my sanity.

That about sums it up, really. I've written FOUR times this past week, but I would finish, then go to upload pictures, it would fail, then erase EVERYthing. Grr. I've already loaded pictures on this one, though, so TAKE THAT, AOHell!

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! ... and all that good stuff. :) Those of you that have given me your addresses- your pictures are coming! Amy, I found some old ones of us in junior high I just HAD to include. :) My sisters and I made a collage for my mom for Christmas, and it involved going through a LOT of old pictures- next entry I'll try and get some good ones up- though I have SO many from the last couple of weeks, you guys are just going to be bombarded.

The pictures that are up are from waiting in SF for Randal's ship to come in. I even snuck in a paprazzi shot of him walking off the... I feel like saying plank, but that's just my inner pirate speaking from the fifteen times I've watched Pirates of the Carribbean. (Polly want a Johnny and an Orlando? Ay, matey!) Well, I don't know what that thing's called, but I have a picture of him on it, thanks to my dads ubercool camera! I actually found parking right on the pier they pulled into, so I got to wait, nose pressed against the chain link fence, for Randal to get there. I was at the end of the lot when I saw the mast (I think that's what it's called) and RAN, both kids in the stroller alllllll the way to the end of the lot- the most I've ran in a long time, and the most fun Tobin's had in the stroller, I'm sure.

We had a night to ourselves in thecity that night, which was fun. Pictures of that will be on the con'd entry. We went for a night on the town- to dinner, dancing and a couple of bars. The night Randal and I met (last New Year's at the restaurant where I used to work.) he introduced himself as "Tork". I said, "What, like dork?" ...and thus the challenge and the saga were born. I learned the meaning of that nickname Thursday night. WHOA.

Lord Of The Rings is out!! Lord Of The Rings is out!!!

...not that I saw it, since I have 2 kids. *ahhh*

Well, I've written FOUR TIMES that it's erased over the past few days, and each time, I've had JUST enough time to write, and no more, so alas, there's been nothing. I write now just to have a palce for these pictures... Amber & Gabby got a new puppy (a Toy Fox Terrier- SO CUTE!!) her name is Lily (at least SOMEone's name is Lily!) and I want to eat her. She can sit right in the palm of your hand. (though she'd probably jump) I HAD to get the pictures of her up here- now my days are just FILLED with cuteness- both kids, plus Gabby & Lily... oh, man. It's like chocolate sauce on cheesecake- probably a little too much, but SOOO GOOOD.

We're leaving in the morning to meet Randal's boat- SHIP. Ship. It's not a boat, it's a ship. Ship. To meet his ship. Right. They're docking around here- I'm not sure if it's a good idea to say when or where on the internet, but I KNOW, so hooray!! That's why I had to get the pictures up- I'm taking tomorrow off work to go, and Amber said I could do it on ONE condition: that I get thew pictures up. So, here, Amber!

The pictures are of the kids on the train at the mall, Lily, Tobin pushing a mini-gorcery cart we found at the store and riding a FIRETRUCK!!! (this is the coolest thing EVER. Today.) Oh, and did you guys know if you download these pictures to your computer, you can go to www.shutterfly.com to order prints of them? Pretty cool, eh? That also means anyone in the world can download them and do that, but the copyright people said as soon as something's in print on here, it's copyrighted, so at least if they do, they can't make money off of it. Legally, anyhow. :)

Well, I've got to get some sleep and finish sme last minute stuff before tomorrow- I'm going to spend my first night away from Aiden! I'm nervous, of course, but he'll be near and with Amy, who I completely trust to do the same things I would in a given situation, and who has been around Aiden almsost daily since his birth. I need an adult-night and SLEEEEP! Sleep is great. I've been pumping so he has breastmilk to drink, though. Hooray. Anyhow- off I go. Hope you all are well. :)

quote for the day: "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis

...cont'd

I look forward to the things I have to do each day- see how much Aiden's changed overnight, explain laws of physics to Tobin, talk with Randal, dance with Gabby... not that I paticularly enjoy DDGRs, but I do them accepting that they have to be done, and that they're for the common good. (and my sanity) Ah yes, how wise I am. If only I could apply that to keeping Tobin's socks together...

I am lucky, though. Special, Blessed, whatever. I have a great life. It sucks that Randal is gone, but I have someone to miss, where some have no one at all. Hopefully that stage of our relationship (and his work) is going to pass soon. That reminds me of Grammy (one of the many people I think incredibly highly of) whenever something goes awry (which NEVER happens to Grammy!) she reminds me, "This too, shall pass"

When she was over the other night donating her ornaments, she said she was saving all my journal entries, so that when I am ready to publish it, she'll be ready. I thought, "Now who would want to read a story where nothing goes wrong?" Not that nothing goes unexpectedly- that is different. But nothing is WRONG or lacking in my life. I've thought a few times about just standing on an onramp or something where there are usually hitchhikers, panhandlers or homeless people, and holding a sign that says, "I lack for nothing" or "Smile" or something happy and nonchalant. However, I can't come to a conclusion on a simple phrase that I would say to every driver I pass everyday, aside from "TURN SIGNALS, YOU ASS" but I think that's a bit aside from the point I'd be trying to make.

Well, Tobin is up, and my wise/lucky/blessed/special self gets to get back to life and picking up the cold peas he just threw all over the floor. Ah yes, to be alive. :) 

quote for the day: "Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." Henry James

Dude.

Seriously. Geez.

I've written three full entries- two today, one yesterday- that my computer has just erased. DUDE. Oh well. At least today I have enough time to write again. Tobin AND Aiden are napping at the same time- something that hasn't happened in days. All three times I wrote, I've written about different things I'd done lately and all that usual stuff, but something struck when I was making toast (yay, Julie cooking!) that I'm going to write about instead.

The thought was this: I know that I am special. Not like "special bus" special, thankyou and certainly not holier-than-thou, either. But set apart. Lucky. Blessed. I think even having that knowledge makes me a little bit different than some, or sadly, most people. I might go as fas as to say I think most of what goes wrong in people starts after they forget that. Some people think I'm great at singing, or writing or mothering or whatever, and that's why I'm so nifty. I love all those things, despite my abilities in them. It has nothing to do with something that I can do, not do, have or not have.

I realized that I know I'm (insert appropriate adjective here) because I see the variety of people in my life I can feel real connection to. There are SO many people who I just love and think are great people that I have such an honor and treasure in knowing. I have such a wealth of talent around me, as well as of wisdom  and friendship and love. The fact that these people choose to share themselves with me- that is what tells me I'm okay- doing something right, blessed, and I try and be grateful for it every day I am alive.

One of the pictures (if/when they let me load them!) is of the 5 generations I have just here in Santa Rosa, taken Sunday at Me-Ma's 100th birthday party. (go, Me-Ma!) The Generations are (from the bottom up) 1) Tobin & Aiden, 2)Myself, 3)My mother, Jan Johnson 4) her mother, Bobbe Kruger and her mother, Viola Madsen. (there's that Danish side) THAT is awesome. I don't know of anyone else who has a working relationship and constant access to their great grandmother. I feel bad for not having visited her more in recent days, but she's fragile and Tobin's a wrecking ball. He's very sweet, but he's a wrecking ball.

My Kinda Fairytale

You might think the title is in reference to the amazingly wonderful marriage and sons that I have, and the fact that I am one of the few people in America that actually like their job AND their boss, but I'm not. Well, not really, anyhow. I just got this e-mail, which I've seen a few times, but thought needed permanent posting on my journal, as it is SO very me, as you will see.

------

Once upon a time  in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, I don't freakin' think so.

------

Ta daaaaa! :) Okay, no more writing for me until Randal leaves (tonight/tomorrow morning... whatever you classify 2:00am as) because I'm going to spend ALL the time I can with him & the boys. More pictures and entries are in order, I promise :)

quote for the day: "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." Anonymous

PS: pictures are coming as soon as the stupid site lets me upload them. I have lots!

any minute

Well it won't let my upload pictures, or I'd be doing that, since I have some new very cute ones. Randal still isn't here if you supersleuths couldn't tell by my complete lack of mentioning him last entry... some lamewad decided he needed to be EVER so sick so Randal had to stay and work for him... poo.

However, my great grandmother's 100th birthday party is tomorrow, and now he gets to be there for that, which he wouldn't have been before. That is something really, really amazing. With the boys there, that will be 5 generations. (YES, for heaven's sake, I'll take pictures- what do you take me for??)

Man... ANY MINUTE Randal will be here. I keep screwing up typing because even my fingers are anxious for him to be here. Amy & Sean were very kind in going to pick him up from the airport- Sean got a new car he LOVES to drive, anyhow/ I think it's a '90 T-bird?

ANY MINUTE. *sigh* Okay. I am being patient. I have BEEN patient. I woke up early this morning and could NOT get back to sleep because of what I call Disneyland Symdrome. It's like when you're 6 years old, and you KNOW you're going to Disneyland the next day and NOTHING ON THE PLANET can make you sleep. Somehow the hours streeeeetch out and mercifully, you finally wake up having slept a bit. ONly now it's like 4:00am, and sleep is a distant memory. You know? I know you do. You were 6. You've been to Disneyland. You've been a victim of DS, too!

ANY MINUTE. I would just like to point out that I am very, very patient, and I am excersizing the laaaaaast bit I have right now trying not to pace around and leap at every sound outside the house. Deeeeep breath. Ugh. This is killing me. Okay. I am going to go. And probably pace around the house and jump at every noise outside the house. I give up. The DS is stronger than I!

quote for the day: "Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. " Rainer Marie Rilke

pictures: Aiden & I in our nifty new carrier-deal,  Tobin traumatizing the fish :)

Crazy the Crosseyed Crapper

That is the name of Amy's newest teammate. I'd try to explain, but you just had to be there. I wish I had pictures, but instead, I have family pictures, which you, too can recieve your copy of, by sending your mailing address to Dreamer417@aol.com . See- easy clicking on the link and everything. :) DO NOT ASSUME I HAVE IT, or that you are getting one unless you are Grammy & Boppa and I've written your address hundreds of times over and over (and over and over) on address forwarding cards. Feel free to e-mail me even if you don't think I'll have enough- I HAVE ENOUGH. The lady at the picture place thought Tobin was so cute, she threw in extras, and I sure as heck don't need 40 of the same picture all over my house. Now it can be yours for the low low price of FREE! Just let me know you want one.

I found Cat in the Hat fabric at the craft store today. (after much hunting!) I'm using it in Tobin's room, which is coming along nicely, even though I haven't been able to do much lately. He *LOVES* Dr. Seuss books- I'm glad the movie is coming out, so it makes finding home decor (ooh la la!) easier. I just wish it made stuff from the rest of the Dr. Seuss books more readily available, but I'll take what I can get. I found some books on DVD which are *awesome* plus, they help with vocabulary development (not that Tobin needs it) and are are creatively stimulating, and Aiden can use them later, too. Sweet.

Man, I'm tired. That's most of the reason I haven't been writing too much lately- I collapsed at 8:00 last night though, so I have a *little* bit of energy at the moment, lucky you guys. :) If anything, our infections give me even MORE stuff to do and keep track of. ACK. I'm not in too much pain, thankfully. I've heard horror stories of breast infections. It's not fun, but he's still nursing well and I wouldn't want to compromise his health for my discomfort- aside from the fact that after the pain I went through for him to be in the first place NOTHING hurts.

For some reason, it's not letting me upload pictures, but I'll put them up here as soon as they let me. Anyhow- I'm going to try and put away some of the laundry that has begun to divide and conquer. I hope you all are well and staying away from the nasty flu going around right now.

quote for the day: "Science is organized thought. Wisdom is organized life." Immanuel Kant

pictures :)

I didn't get a chance to finish my last entry, and I'm not even going to finish it now, so there! I'm going to sleep because the infection Aiden has IS a yeast infection, and so he has Thrush as well (basically a mouth infection) which has given me a breast infection. Fun! However, I took a whole bunch of pictures of the boys yesterday, and they are SO cute, so I wanted to get them up here ASAP for your guys. Man, I love my phone. I'll possibly write more later, depending on if I actually get some much-needed rest right now. Randal's coming home tomorrow night- WOOHOOO!!! :)

quote for the day, "Must...sleep.... must... find... sleep..." -Any mother with more than one child

 

...cont'd

there are some pictures from wednesday night here- Genery, (isn't she cute?) the five of us (from left, Thomas, Dan, Gen, Avery & I) me, about to fetch more wine and us singing.

It was so good, though, to be in that space again, and making music just for the fun of it. Sometimes I forget what a huge part of me music -and the making of it- is for me. I have so many other things going on a daily basis that it kind of takes the backburner, if it makes the stove at all. (now there's chef's wife lingo for you) Grammy knows and reminds me of it as often as she thinks won't irritate me, bless her. I spent a lot of my life being afraid to sing where anyone could hear me. I still can hardly sing to more than my kids, but at least I'm mostly over my complete fear of being heard.

I wonder why that is... being afraid that someone might hear me. I suppose it's selfish, really. I have an ear trained to hear any pitch variations, which there are bound to be in any song sung live, since no one is perfect. But I hold myself to the highest standard, and didn't want anyone to hear me do it less than what I imagined it should be. I was more focused on being perfect than on the joy it gives me (and others) to simply be singing in the first place. What a lamewad.

So... wednesday night was awesome. It was one of the most happy, laid back times I've had in a loooong time. (aside from when I'm with Randal, but that's different than being with my high school choir nerd friends :) But also on Wednesday, I was changing Aiden's diaper and was aghast at what his skin looked like underneath it. It was all weepy, screaming red and blistered. I immediately called The Birthing Center, and they said to just take him to the emergency room, since no one was going to be Thanksgiving. Poo.

So, Thanksgiving morning, Genery and I head to the Urgent Care facility at Sutter. Strangely enough, there were two people I knew from high school there as well. We didn't do much visiting, though, since they were there because apparently one of their mothers tried to commit suicide. (happy thanksgiving- yeesh!) But the doctor looked at it for about 10 seconds and said, "looks like a fungal infection. Put this stuff on it, and if it doesn't work, come back"

Laundry is eating my house. Seriously.

My house is SO MESSY!! I am going insane. A lot of it is because I *finally* did laundry when Gen was over to help yesterday (hooray!) and we did six whole loads or laundry, which is now, clean, dry, and EVERYWHERE.The rest of it is constructed of various items that have found their way out of their respective homes in effort to join the fight against my sanity.

So... whatEVER excuses this profound mess? (I know a lot of you that have seen my house are probably thinking "oh! There must be a toy on the floor!" but seriously. Laundry is eating my living room.) I have had a busier schedule than usual this weekend, which is also my excuse for having not written the past week. I started to a few times, but either fell asleep or was disrupted again.

Tuesday, I went back to work, which was good, but tiring. I think it was especially good for Gabby & Tobin and their naps. (see pictures Gabby & Tobin, and me & the sling someone gave to Amber to give me that Aiden and I both LOVE :) Wednesday, I worked, then went to a pre-thanksgiving suare with some friends from high school I pretty much haven't seen since then. I can't TELL you how good it was for me, both just to be there, and to NOT be at home, mommying and cleaning and laundry-ing. *ahh*

My ex boyfriend from my junior year (blonde haired-blue eyed boyfriend born in July #2- there are four.) Avery was there, along with Genery's ex-boyfriend Dan, whose mother was the school librarian, and Thomas,  lacking in the presence of an ex, but who played drums in their band, ETC. (I still have all the songs memorized) There was an entire roomful of other people I didn't know, eating turkey, drinking hard alcohol, listening to rap and playing video games, while the 5 of us sat drinking red wine, eating Tofurkey, singing with a guitar, mandolin and an overturned fondue pot and forks and playing Cranium. (my first experience with Tofurkey and Cranium- both get good ratings on the julie-o-meter)

After a few glasses of wine, Thomas thought it'd be a *great* idea for me to put on the gorilla suit (leftover from Halloween?) on the couch and go refill his glass in the room with "the others". I, perfectly sober, agree. I get called all sorts of names and the joy of seeing some of the best facial reactions I've seen in a long time. As a sidenote, everyone assumed I was a guy. Interesting.

 

...cont'd (still)

4) The children clause. As I'm trying to try these things on, Tobin is jumping on the newly remodled couch-things in the dressing room trying to see his shoes, and Aiden starts crying. So, I have *half* of cute little bra #1 on and regular ol' cotton granny panties, and I'm forced to pick up the baby, bouncing him around the room, trying not to look at my pasty white skin that hasn't see daylight in MONTHS, and Tobin decides that would be a SWELL time to open the door. I could feel the satisfactory smirks from all those evil-eye givers at once. Ugh.

I cram my clothes on, and the kids in the stroller and try and make my getaway from the EVER so helpful salesgirls and their prodding questions, which I am FAR too sensitive for by that point. "How did those work for you?" How would a karate chop to the jugular work for YOU, Miss SkinnyMini?!? or "Did you need another size?" NO, no I do NOT thank you, since I am clearly a whale and NOTHING will ever fit me and look good, so if you don't MIND, please leave me to wallow in my flabulous misery! I gather my newly and extremely humbled self, keep my eyes lowered and beeline for the nearest exit, never looking back.

Well, as if on cue, both boys just woke up. So I'm going to haul myself upstairs in my comfy, baggy sweats and create and art project for Tobin and I out of every magazine with a flawless person with huge breasts and skinny thighs I can find. Curse them, curse them all.

quote for the day, "I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?" Jean Kerr

...cont'd

Even moreover, the blinky lights are on HUMMERS. Woo. Now what boy wouldn't want boots with blinky light hummers? Tobin was jumping around and stomping and then trying to stop really quickly and look at his shoes and kept falling over- it was SO funny.  I'll try and take some pictures at least of the shoes so you too can witness the coolness.

So we're walking around the mall (it's excersize. It's indoor. There are twinkly Christmas lights for the kids to be entertained by, and more people watching than I could ever want) and I think Randal's coming home. Maybe I'll venture into Victoria's Secret and see if they have anything cool. Okay. Yeah. Mistake #1. Let me just TELL you all the reasons why a woman with a newborn (and a two year old!) should never go into Victoria's Secret. Here goes, in no paticular order:

1) The salespeople are SCARY. Within the first few feet, I am doused with perfume and shimmer lotion ("it's seasonal! it's happy! You'll LOVE it, we promise!") and Tobin is handed two little stupid stuffed dogs- "Only $15 with a $75 purchase!" Yeah THANKS, chicky. If only I could really shoot daggers out of my eyes.

2) Other Shoppers and Salespeople. EVERYone was looking at me funny. Either that "Don't you know that after you have kids, you are granted the ease of looking haggard all the time, and you never have to be sexy again?" one with the eyebrows raised to the tips of their forehead and eyes wide with confusion, or "You're thinking of lingerie and you had a baby HOW long ago?? I hate you. Hate hate hate!" with the eyes in little slits, eyebrows furrowed and pointing sharply down in the middle.

I brush them off, contented in their jealousy at my skinniness and beautiful boys. I pick out some things, and head toward the dressing room.

3) The Pregnancy Clause. Now, let me just begin to tell you that NO ONE- *no one* should be put in front of a mirror in teeny clothing having had a child within the last month. Not even the skinny ones. It was horrible. Displayed before me was the ghastly horror of all the new lumps, bags and bumps pregnancy had bestowed upon me. Brave, brave (stupidly confident?) person that I was to try in the first place, I am now scarred for life and I'm not sure I will ever look at those cute little undies the same again.

Oh. My. Lord.

First things first- I DO NOT KNOW THESE PEOPLE. I was SO about to put them on Randal's team, but he already put everyone with 80s bangs on my team. Damn! So, Randal my love, you can laugh yourself to sleep at my newest recruits. Amber sent me an e-mail with this attached and I just HAD to chare the horror with you all. Now THAT'S child abuse. Geeeeeez.

So, today I ventered out of my humble abode and into the mall. Yeek. Tobin desperately needed well-fitting shoes (he's in a size 8w!) and I desperately needed to get away from the house, since the farthest I've gotten the past 2 days is the mailbox. The holidays always bring the eh... how do I say.... "interesting" folk out of the woodworks. I saw three mulletts (someone PLEASE DO SOMETHING to assure me that do's of the 80s will stay there!!) waaayyyyyy too many happy-pappy salespeople and more than a few assorted varieties of wrong wrong wrongness. At least mullets are on Randal's team. OH yes.

The team game, by the way, is when you see something SO WRONG/funny/off the wall that it just *has* to be on someone's team. Like a really really huge person walking a chihuahua or pegged jeans (no more 80s! Once was enough!!) or like... you know, when the M & E went out on the Home Express sign. THOSE are quality team-findings. Anything can be on a team- you can make team clubhouses (like Amy's- the super rundown not-even-one-pole-standing heap of wood that used to be a barn on Hwy 12) team cars (any WRONG colored car- like neon pink, purple or that horrible baby-poop-green is on Randal's team) or team mascots. (roadkill, pets with strange growths, or any poor animal that Tom Green touches) You can call specific items/people/things or blanket statements, like "all 80s bangs". (my team. D'oh!) The ONE rule is that if you call something on someone's team that's already on yours, it's DOUBLE on yours. That may not sound too scary, but just think if I'd actually called the scary family above on Randal's team! Double on my team would just be out of control. No one wants that.

So, back to the mall. We went into Stride Rite, and I did another thing I' never thought I'd do- I bought shoes with the stupid blinky-lights. They're really good shoes, though. They have antibacterial lining, (did you know kid's feet sweat 6x more than adults?) ankle and heel support and did I mention BLINKY LIGHTS?

...cont'd

I miss Randal so much. This is SO HARD. I thought I was tired before! It'll probably just take some time for us all to settle into a routine, but getting there blows. In some ways, it makes it even harder when he is actually home for awhile, because it's just enough to get used to having someone there, and than all of a sudden, I'm back to no one.

Not that there's NO one- my family is around, but they're usually so wrapped up in their own little world dramas that even if I could get myself to point of asking for help, it rarely does much good for anything except reminding me why I never do it in the first place.

Well, Uncle Ryan will be happy to know that Aiden just man-farted himself awake.  He burps like a champ, too! I don't think I have EVER witnessed gaseous exertions that parallel the likes of Ryan, but who knows- Aiden's got a gooooood running for him so far. Great, I'm talking about burping and farting. Ahhh, to be the mother of boys. I have a feeling this is juuuust the beginning. :)

quote for the day: "There is no duty we so underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world." Robert Louis Stevenson

*Ahhhh*

I just got out of a 35 minute shower. *ahhhh* Both boys are sleeping, and I probably should be, too. Howeverm a loooong shower (or bath) and writing are just about as theraputic for me as anything. I realized this morning that I hadn't even showered in... days. I don't even know how long. So, I took and extra long, extra scrubby shower and now I feel MUCH better.

This morning, I thought I was losing my mind. I did it. I knew I would at some point. I hated it before I did it, when I was doing it and I still hate it, but I did it. I found the end of my Ghandi-like patience with Tobin. They were both crying this morning (precurser- I am NOT a morning person) and Tobin was merely crying because Aiden was and Aiden had my attention an the moment. So, of course- because it's the BEST way to quiet a two year old, I said, "STOP. CRYING."

Yes, well, we ALL know how well that worked. So now they're BOTH hysterical and I feel like crying myself simply because I am exhausted and because I was hoping somehow the never ending patience most choose to award me with actually existed. Alas and alack, I know no one is superhuman, least of all me. Nevertheless, there we were, the three of us crying in the bathroom for our own selfish reasons, and me the only one with anything to do about it. When do I get MY turn to just cry and have someone come running to meet my needs? Where is the person to hold me and ask what's wrong and just sit with me until I feel better? On a freakin' boat, that's where. *sigh*

I also just *LOVE* the fact that nature decides that right after you have a baby is a GREAT time to give you all these insane horomones, just to MAKE SURE you lose your mind, in case having a newborn doesn't get you there fast enough. Luckily, even perma-PMS doesn't totally annihilate me, and I have obtained the ability to rationalize my retardedness. "I am not insane. This is just hormones. Is it HOT in here??" Unfortunately, my rationale doesn't make me FEEL any better. It just helps keep my feet on the ground so I can at least try and keep moving through it, which I've found is one of life's most important things.

Insanity

Now, is there anything more precious in the WHOLE WORLD than that picture right there? No, no there's not. I *had* to get it up there, just so you guys can appreciate the cuteness 1/2 as much as I do. He's two weeks old today!

So Randal is coming home next on the 3rd- I have to book his flight in the morning. Hooray! At least he'll be home in an amount of days that almost fits entirely on my fingers instead of my entire family's. Much more tolerable. Going from having him here with 2 kids to doing it myself is insane. I can't even believe how tired I am, which is why I'm insane for even writing right now, since both boys are asleep. I kind of revel in the time to myself though, no matter what the hour.

Tori released a new album today called Tales of a Librarian. LOVE LOVE LOVE! you can go to www.toriamos.com to read ALLLL about it. :) I just realized I can put links directly into my entires like that. Sweeet. Man oh MAN, I love her. It even comes with a DVD! (enter copious amounts of salivation here) LOVE!

Anyhow- I'm going to finish listening to the ENTIRE album (it has to be done. It is the way.) and head off for bed. YAY, new Tori!!

quote for the day: "I love people. I love my family, my children . . . but inside myself is a place where I live all alone and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up." Pearl S. Buck

...cont'd

Well, I'm going to finish my soup Randal left for me (aww) and rest, because I know damn well I better rest when the boys do (I have boys!! :) I'm still getting used to saying "the boys". I kinda like it. :) Anyhow- I'm going to rest and try not to think about how much I wish I could feel Randal laying beside me.

quote for the day: "People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child -- our own two eyes. All is a miracle." -Thich Nhat Hanh

Pictures: Aiden tossin' gang sings already- WEST SIIIIIIIIIDE!, another more contemplative Aiden, Tobin in neon pink bobby-things and frog boots playing a recorder, (what else?) *AND* just because it makes me so happy inside, a bulldog puppy. AWWW!!!

change

...and just like that, things change.

Randal left at about 2:30 this morning... each time it gets a bit easier and a bit harder at the same time to say good-bye. Having Aiden gave me yet another way for me to love him, and another way for me to miss him. We're lucky in some ways to be apart, because, as "they" say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I bet we spend more time than most just thinking of little details we love about each other- like how he smells in the morning, or the look on his face when he says one thing but is insinuating something entirely different. We've both learned in our own ways to really cherish each other and the time we spend together, alone and with our children.

It's also really hard, though- having to be separate from him. My first day as a single mother of two is going alright, although I can't remember ever being this tired in my life. That could also have to do with the fact that we stayed up late talking as we always do his last night here, then I woke up with him at 2:00 to say goodbye, and was kept awake trying to think of anything in the world besides the click of the door shutting behind him down the stairs.

It's always strange the next morning- like it was all a dream. I go through my DDGRs thinking, "Last time I did this Randal was playing with Tobin... last time I did this was then Randal was talking on the phone in the living room..." But I've also found that I'm choosing not to relish in the love and pain it causes in being separated from him, but choosing rather to fill my days with my kids and chores and just not think about the time. It's easier to just accept the fact that he's not here and not coming here and get on with things than to spend any excess time thinking about it, because it wouls break me, and a broken mother is no good to anyone least of all the kids.

On another slightly related subject- I have the COOLEST diaper bag. Cooler than EVERYone's. Mine is the coolest. That picture up there is just it- it's by Petunia Pickle Bottom (say what?) and the color is called "Avocado Roll" I wanted it SO BAD the second I saw it, and I've been hunting for it for MONTHS. It's so pretty! I *LOVE* it! You can go to www.petuniapicklebottom.com to see the other colors and all the nifty features it has, because if I got into it, we'd all be here forever. But it's SO AWESOME! Love love love. :)

Love

Now, usually I'm not so squishy, but it's hard not to think of Love when I've finally got my husband and baby in my arms. (and Tobin, too!) Randal and I have a very different relationship, I think. I mean to say really, that life just kind of put us together out of left field and everything happened a little backwards, but here I am and we are, and I can finally say that when I wake up in the morning, I look forward to the things I have to do all day, and- as everyone always said, but I couldn't comprehend- the love after having another child isn't divided in two, it just multiplies.

Seeing Tobin as a big brother is just another avenue for me to love him through. I have so much respect for him and how he's doing and adjusting, and I feel to the deepest part of me his frustrations in not being the only light in my eye. He is doing SO beautifully with the social adjustment- Aiden's presence in general- and is only having a bit of difficulty with needing to be GENTLE around him.  He wants to just SQUEEZE him. I do, too (especially his liitle teeny butt!) but I try and refrain. Tobin is still perfecting this art.

Randal got to cook dinner for Grammy and Boppa last night, and it was really good. We had seared Ahi (Grammy's was mostly cooked and, as a sidenote, is pretty much the only meat I eat, aside from sushi. It's just so good!) and some baked rice something-or-other (aren't I descriptive?) that was really good. Mmm. Ahi. We found some at the Farmer's Market wednesday morning that was really fresh and cheap.

Well, we've got to run a whole lot of errands today- we're going to try and get Tobin's room at least mostly taken care of. (decorated and furnished, etc.) It should be fun. Anyhow- we're all doing well, and the pictures are ones I snuck yesterday of Randal and Tobin- I decided to play around and make them black & white, just because. They just LOVE each other, but I'll have to write more about that later.

quote for the day: "We only regard those unions as real examples of love and real marriages in which a fixed and unalterable decision has been taken. If men or women contemplate an escape, they do not collect all their powers for the task. In none of the serious and important tasks of life do we arrange such a "getaway." We cannot love and be limited." Alfred Adler

part 4

8:19: I am beginning to feel the flutter of panic in my stomach. They give Amy a little tube to put in his nose, and inform me that the cord was wrapped around his neck, and when he descended so quickly, it cut off his oxygen. After some coaxing, he finally cries. So does everyone else in the room.

I don't name him right away, since Randal and I still hadn't settled on a boy's name, but he feels like Aiden Kai. Randal calls like 1/2 an hour later, and I say, "Can you hear your son?" he says, "Yeah... how are you?" It's the first time I've heard his voice in weeks, and I almost start crying all over again. I say, "How do you feel about the name Aiden Kai?" he says, "Sounds great." and we start small talking a little bit, then he says, "Wait- it's a boy??" :)

They let him leave the boat early, and catch a flight out of LA instead of San Diego, into SFO instead of Oakland, and his plane lands at 11:30. Linda and Ray leave shortly after we get his flight information for airport, and make it back around 1:00am. I think he was kind of in shock when he came in the door, but very very happy. He should have been- he missed all of the hard part! :) He got into bed with us, and I handed the baby to him. He looked at me and said "Aiden?" and I said, "Okay." :)

I snuggled down next to both of them, and fell asleep breathing them both in as deep as I could.

quote for the day: "The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family." Thomas Jefferson

part 3

8:10, My contractions are CRAZY INTENSE and I'm screaming and crying through them, and just whimpering and saying. "I HATE this!" in between. Amy is still calm, despite my yelling *directly* in her face, telling me I'm doing great, and to do what I need to. Thank God for her. I feel him move down in my pelvis, and scream, "I WANT TO PUUUUSH!! I want to push!" They tell me to breathe through it. I hate them.

8:12: Trying to breathe through my contractions, I feel SOMEthing on its way out and yell "HE'S COMING ANYWAY!!" (note the "He") My water breaks ALL over Amy and I. Neither of us care, but this sends Aiden's head even MORE down, and I think I'm going to die, or at least start wishing I could.

8:13: They check his heartbeat, and tell everyone to shut the hell up, which I am eternally grateful for. Then they tell me I need to push, and right now. His heart rate had dropped to below 60, which they didn't tell me until afterwards, which was probably good.

8:14:  I tell them I can't move, so Mom and Linda each grab a leg for me (thank goodness for THEM!) and I start pushing. I am actually grateful to be doing anything but screaming, and pushing gives my something contructive to do, and is also a sign I am almost done being in hellacious pain. THANK GOD.

8:18: They tell me to look down, and without my glasses on, I can't see much, but about 10 seconds later, they lay a warm, still, quiet baby on my belly. I immediately think he looks like Randal, and wait for him to cry, which he does not do. Enter the longest minute of my life. I remember saying, "What's wrong with him? Make him cry! Please cry, baby... please cry." They put a little oxygen pump-thing over his face and it's still not working. Every moment of my pregnancy I could have done something wrong flashes through my mind.

part 2

7:35: My contractions are increasingly long and painful, and without hearing from the midwife, we decide to just pack me up in the car and drive there anyhow, because I remembered from having Tobin that the car was NOT fun in labor, and I didn't want to be any worse off than I already was and have to be in transit.

7:40: I climb in on all fours in the back seat of my car, and Sean takes the keys. A few minutes later, the midwife calls and tells us to come on in, and we tell her we're already on our way.

7:45: I am having some INCREDIBLE contractions, and am trying to stay calm and give Sean directions, remember to breathe, and scream through my contractions. Poor Sean. I think I scarred both he and Tara for life. Amy was in the passenger seat, totally calm, saying "You do what you need to do. SLOW breathing, Julie. Make lower noises. You're doing great." Thank God for her.

7:50: I am BAWLING in the backseat, and screaming over every pothole in the stupid street. Poor Sean! I am reaching hysterics by this point, and can't feel my hands or feet. I feel my legs start to shake, and tell everyone I'm probably in transition (that happened to me with Tobin, too) so the baby is coming SOON.

7:55, I am in a heap in the backseat as we pull into the birthing center. My parents and Randal's parents pull up. I can't even BELIEVE the amount of pain I'm in, and I canNOT move. Vanessa (the midwife) comes to the car, and tells me that as soon as I have even the smallest break, I need to get out of the car. That was SO hard, but the SECOND after my contraction was over, I got up and told everyone to MOVE so I could beeline for the bathtub.

8:00: I am *almost* in the birthing center, but there's a nurses meeting in there, and I have to wait outside, barefoot in the rain, supported by Amy, for them to file out and give me interesting looks.

8:05: I'm having another contraction, and collapse on the bed, crying and screaming, and Amy lays right down with me. My butt is barely on the bed, which I am perpendicular to. Sean leaves the room, Tara is trying to make herself useful, but is clearly overwhelmed. I think this ir around the time Mom and Linda come in, too. Ray is in the other room with Sean. They need to check my cervix, but I can't move. I continue grabbing Amy's sweatshirt and screaming through my contractions- they tell me I'm 9 centimeters.

The anatomy of labor

Hello!

So here I go with my labor story. The pictures are of Amber (my boss) and Gabby holding Aiden, my usual view of him, Tobin sleeping (SO precious!) and Grandma Linda and baby- I think that glow to the right is just extra coming from her. :)

5:00-ish: I go to get my membranes swept (a process a bit like if there was a balloon blown up inside another, and keeping them un-stuck, only the respective balloons would be the placenta and uterus) because it usually helps encourage labor within 1-3 days, and we were set to pick Randal up Wednesday morning. I start having really light contractions immediately.

5:30: I call Genery (my best friend, who lives in Mountain View- about an hour 1/2 away) and tell her to keep her phone available because I'll probably be in labor within the next day.

6:15: I pick Tara up from the airporter, and am having light contractions about three minutes apart. She gets in, and I say, "Well, I think I'm probably in labor, so we should probably go to the house and get some stuff before I go to the birthing center."

6:30: Ray & Linda are back at the house, waiting for me to come back home and take them to my parents' house to have dinner, which I do.

6:45: I have my first contraction I need to sit down for. I had already arranged for them to keep Tobin there so I could spend some time with Tara, so we both go home.

7:15: Amy & Sean come over to hang out, too. In that 15 minutes, I go from "Hmm- yeah, this is probably labor" to "Ouuuuuuuuuch. Ouuuuuuuuuuuuch." leaning over on the counter. 

7:20: I call the midwife, Genery (again) and Randal. (well, the Ombudsman in charge of calling the boat, since there's no line for the public to call on)

7:25 The midwife calls back and says she's with someone at the hospital who is ready to push, so she wants to check her out, and will call me back.

Squeaker :)

So, Aiden has gained the nickname "Squeaker" already. He has yet to really let out a good cry- he just kind of squeaks enough to get my attention (which doesn't take much) and is happy again. (or sleeping again) Tobin is doing pretty well with him- the only thing we really have to work on is being GENTLE with him... he seems to think that Aiden can be grabbed and picked up by the neck like a doll, which gives more than Aiden a good startling.

Randal is here for another three days... I can't believe how fast time has gone by. I have a feeling I'm going to be saying that more and more, especially when I have a newborn and a 2 year old to care for alone. Well, alone may be stretching it a bit, since it's actually fairly difficult to get people to NOT come over right now. Understandable, since I have the cutest kids ever, though. :)

Randal and Tobin are playing right now how they've been playing the entire last week- with Tobin in his jumper yelling, "Do you wanna gimme those feet?!?" (Tobin-language for Randal needeing to "get" Tobin's feet) and then Randal tickles his feet and swings him so that when he swings forward, Randal acts like Tobin mortally wounded him, which, of course, is HILARIOUS to Tobin. With Gabby (and most little girls) she's rather put her babies to bed and sing to them, and Tobin would rather think he's beating the daylights out of someone. Does the gender difference really start this soon? Yeesh.

Aiden is eating and sleeping well (thank heavens) and so far, I even have the luxury of them BOTH taking around 3-hour naps and about 2:00 each day, so I can spend time with Randal. We were just laying in bed talking the other night, and we were talking about intimacy. He said something along the lines of  intimacy being something you should have even in a grocery store, and not just in the bedroom. Good thing, since we haven't seen each other in three months, and that's about all our intimacy consists of after having a baby. Oh well. :)

Well, we've got about 50 errands to run while we still have time together, but I'll try and write again and get the rest of the pictures I have up this afternoon. The next entry I'll probably write my labor story, so you'll all know the INCREDIBLE PAIN I was in. Aren't you excited? :)

quote for the day: : "Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body." Elizabeth Stone

BABY!!!!

That's right, there he is. Not even a day old yet. His (yes, his) name is Aiden Kai Torske, he was born at 8:18 last night after a short and hellious labor at 7 lbs. 10oz and 20 1/2 inches. Randal was notified at around 8:00, and was out the door for the airport by 8:05. His plane got in at 11:30, and his parents picked him up, getting him to Aiden and I at around 1:00am. Yay! I will write more later, of course, but here are some pictures for now!

quote for the day: "HOOORAAAAAY, I'm not pregnant!!!"

cont'd...

I redid my bathroom downstairs- it looks *much* better now. It was pretty much just white before, and now I have dark purple hand towels and a really pretty (not *too* girly) butterfly border and matching soapdish and soap dispenser. (Hooraaaaay for Target! Again.)  It was all pretty easy to do, which was awesome. I also had some extra wallpaper, so I cut out the butterflies from the border and made some flying up to the ceiling. Pretty snazzy. Maybe I'll take a picture with my handy dandy phone so you guys can see. :)

Well, Costco is beckoning. I had something I was going to write about, and now it's all just gone away. Pregnancy causes short term memory loss, you know! Of course, after I have the baby my excuse is shot, but I can still use it today! :) I hope you all are doing well, and hopefully I'll be writing about a new baby- OH! Yes. That's what it was. If it's a boy, we think we're going to use Randal Kai and just call him Kai. That's fine by me- he wanted to use part of his name, but before he wanted to use Neil, which is his ever so nonimpressive dad's name. Yick. So Randal is juuuuust fine. That also means that whenever Genery has kids, she can still use Aiden, though I LOVE that name. (Figures both of our favorite names are Aiden and Kai. Such good taste! :)

Okay, well now that I remembered, I'm off for grocery shopping. Woohoo!

quote for the day: "How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." Anne Frank

3...

Well, it's official. Tobin has his own room now. I went to bed last night for the first time in over two years with no crib in my room. I cried. I almost cried when my dad was putting together his crib in the other room, too. I *LOVE* waking up to Tobin in the morning. I would NOT love sleeping with two babies waking each other up in my room, though. I'm going to get some fun stuff to put in there today so that it's more appealing for him to be in there, I hope he doesn't freak out.

Three more days until Randal is home!! I have a midwife appointment tomorrow at 12:30, and they're going to check my cervix again to see how close I am. They can sweep my membranes (basically kind of dislodge the placenta from the uterus at the bottom, to encourage labor) which usually works in a couple of days, but it would REALLY stink if Randal missed seeing the baby born because it worked too soon. Wednesday, wednesday, wednesday. That's all I have to hold out to. Only three more days. :)

The house is about ready to have a kabillion people trafficking through- Grandma and Mom have been helping me clean all week. (Thank you SO much, you guys) By the end of this week, I'll have Ray & Linda, Tara, Randal, and probably (hopefully!) new baby in the house. It makes me cherish these last few minutes to myself before Tobin gets back QUITE a bit more. I doubt I'll have much time to myself anytime soon after this. Crazy.

The pictures that are up today are of Gabby and Tobin this last week- it was 95 degrees on Tuesday! Then Thursday, it was snowing in Sausalito. (about 1/2 hour from here) Schizo California weather. Anyhow- I gave them their first pomegranate, and they were SO messy. You may not be able to see it, but rest assured, they are both COVERED in red. SO, of course, I stuck them in the pool, where you see Gabby washing off Tobin's belly. :) Then Gabby had to put her bear to sleep in her rainboot, which, of course, is where all bears sleep. On the way home, Tobin was sleeping- look at those eyelashes! I wish I had those! And lastly... is there a sale on the blue ones? I guess Target is as fun for Tobin as it is for Mommy. Hooray for Target! (again. :)

Happy Halloween!

Well Happy Halloween.

I'm at home, cutting outdecoupage for my bathroom- woohoo! When people asked me what I was going to be for Halloween, I said, "Asleep!" (aren't I witty?) Today went well, though. It was very productive. I woke up early this morning just aching for my friend... I mean physically hurting for her. I wish so much that I was able to do something, but there's nothing I can do, and that is itself is something difficult to deal with, nevermind the scope of what she must be going through.

Alas and alack, laying fully awake in bed thinking about what you can't do is only worth so many moments of your life, and then, you get up. So, I was awake and cleaning my house at 6-something, which, especially considering the stupid time change (why do they DO that?! Tobin's naptime is ALL wrong now) is pretty darn early. Just preparing for complete lack of sleep I know is coming. :)

My roommate is out- HOORAAAYY!!! He has two chairs to get tomorrow, and that's IT! So- tomorrow, Porky is coming over (and I think Mom is, too) to help me get that room ready. Manny has Tobin all day, so I actually might get a decent chunk finished. Sweeeeet. My very own house with NO ONE I'm not related to in it, and neither of them are my parents! THAT is sweet. It's time, though. Aside from the fact that there is NO WAY I would want to clean up after another *adult* like I have been, plus two kids and myself. BOTH kids would have also had to be in my room. HA! Haha. Ha. No.

OH! OH*MY*GOODNESS*. I can't even believe I got this far without saying something. *ANOTHER* one of my friends got hit by her boyfriend today (although not to NEAR the same extend as my first friend) but THIS one is pregnant! WHAT IS *WRONG* with people?!? And I thought I might have been embittered before! JEEEEZ.

On THAT note, I'm off for a bath and bed. Again, if you could focus your prayers, thoughts, vibes, energy, whatever in the direction of these wonderful women, I know they could use all the support, even from complete strangers they may never know, that they can get. :)

quote for the day: "Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other." Carl Jung

Special people

Yup, that's right. I'm angry. Angry is an understatement, at that. I am enraged, disgusted, saddened and frustrated. I'm not going to write too many details because they are not mine to write, but someone very close to me was in the hospital today bruised from head to toe to heart by her boyfriend.

This person is one of those special people to me, who I can actually connect with and feel comfortable telling anything to. She is strong, beautiful, passionate and a complete treasure of a person. She is not the small, helpless, tiptoe-ing person he forces her to become. I can't imagine what she must be going through in body, mind and spirit right now, and it pains me more than I can say to think of it.

The only reason I am even bringing up this much is because I want her to feel as much love and hope and well wishes as possible coming her way right now. So, if you talk to God, or the trees, or yourself, even... if you could just take a moment and send some prayers, vibes or whatEVER her way, I know at least, that it wouldn't hurt anything.

As for me- still pregnant, still here. I have a lot going on with readying the house for the oncoming traffic bound to ensue after having a baby, as well as preparing for the baby him or herself. Of course, feeling the Mama Bear horomone in overdrive after this morning's events (see above paragraphs) doesn't help too much, but I only have SIX more days until Randal is here. *ahhhh*. I am SO glad I have him, even if I only have him near me every so often.

So, friend, please know how much I love you. Know that NO ONE should have to deal with that for ANY reason, that's it is NOT your fault, and that you are not that small, afraid person he makes you into. You are strong, intelligent, passionate, aware, creative, driven, talented, beautiful, and most of all, loved SO much by people that are hurting for you and want to see you safe and happy. Please, please take care of yourself. I am here for you.

quote for the day: "There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

6 1/2 & 3

Number of days until I see Randal & number of centimeters I am dialated.

So HOPEfully, this baby stays in until he gets here! Three centimeters isn't THAT much- people have gone from three to baby in a couple of hours, and some have walked around like that for two weeks. Just another thing to wait for now, (and still) but I'm not going to take any more herbs or anything to help encourage labor! They told me to just take it VERY easy, and I should be fine. Too bad I have to turn my roommate's room into Tobin's ASAP, so I can get him in there before the baby's born, so he doesn't feel ENITRELY ousted from his position.

That's one of the only things I'm remotely concened about with having a new baby- I love Tobin SO much, and I just cherish every minute I get to spend playing with him or reading to him or whatever. I know that time is going to have to be compormised, and though I know I'll be completely happy (understatement!) to have a new baby to occupy me, I worry for Tobin. All kids go through that stage at first, though. And it's good for kids to have siblings, anyhow. Them learning to share their toys (and parents!) and whatever else is a really good thing to learn early and be brought up with.

Anyhow- I am exhausted and still have my list of DDGRs to get through. Grandma is coming over tomorrow to help me get the house clean before I have people coming to stay or visit before or after the baby is born. I KNOW I won't have the energy to do it then! I'm having a Braxton-Hicks contraction as I type. Uhhhhh. Man- *ALMOST* there! S/he he just has has to wait for daddy!

quote for the day: "One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life." Chinese Proverb

PS: Pictures are of Tobin playing in the bath last night. Nevermind what his hand is doing in the second picture. He's going to HATE me for all these pictures on the internet when he's a teenager!

...cont'd

Anyhow- I'm off for my DDGRs, which today include putting away the VAST amount of laundry I did at my parents' yesterday, cleaning the fishtanks (eew) and pruning my houseplants. Fun fun! Hope you all are doing well, and please feel free to leave comments! I'd love to hear from you and what you think!

quote for the day (a longer one, but one of my absolute favorites):

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

taken from Nelson Mandela's 1994 inagural speech

9...

Hello! :)

RANDAL IS COMING HOME IN *NINE* DAYS!!! Nine! That's like... barely over a week. A quite tolerable amount, comparatively. Randal comes home at 10:11am (not that I'm counting minutes or anything) on Wednesday the 5th for an unknown amount of time (5-12 days) and Ray & Linda will be here the evening of the 6th. Then I'll have a nice and full house. :) (Especially if I've had the baby!)

Speaking of which- I'm aiming at the 5th. That is the soonest Randal will be here, making it the soonest I want to have the baby, so the 5th it is! I'm going to pick him up, then start taking some herbs and stuff my midwife reccomended. They even said (depending on how favorable my body looks) they could break my water to see if that helps. Of course, if I don't go into labor and my waterbag is no longer intact, that means it's off to the hospital for Pitocin (HHISSSSSSSSS) and whatever follows. I'm not even sure how to articulate how much I would LOATHE being in labor in a stinky ol' hospital with that stupid butt-flap gown on with needles all up in my business. NO THANK YOU. I know, I know... all you mommies did it- but I am not all you mommies, and it IS that bad for me.

The pictures are ones Randal recently sent me from his trip...1) a beach in Costa Rica, 2) a beer-chugging monkey rescued from a bar (poor little dude! He only chugs water now, though) 3) Randal (see arrow) on a drug boat with the boarding team... somwhere, 4) a really cool cloud wall, and finally, 5) Randal (on the right- and as a sidenote, look at those buff forearms! Ahh... they'll be around me soon enough :) with his friend and part of 1500lbs. of pure cocaine. DAMN. I bet there are some druggies out there who are *pretty* unhappy about that one. Oh well.

Tobin is sleeping at the moment, and doing well overall. We had SO much fun at Grandma's on Saturday. I think everyone did. It was SO great to have all the kids -and ALL of them got presents- there was a bit of chaos, but how can there not be with 7 kids, mostly around 2 & 3 years old? I was riiiiiiight at home, though pretty hot. It's been in the mid-90s for days, now. I WANT MY AUTUMN WEATHER! Stinkin' California... being sunny all the time... better than FREEZING Maryland! I had on nine layers of clothing when I was there and it was STILL cold. I was told that was unusually cold even for them when I was there, but I think they were just trying to ensure that I would come back and bring the kids :)

Everything's better in a fedora

Well, I went costume shopping with Amy and Tobin today, to no avail. We did find some pretty snazzy hats, though. Tobin found a purple and lime green fuzzy leopard print hat he liked quite a bit. (see picture) I have on a feathered witch hat. Ooh la la! You might also notice (if you're just THAT on top of things) that my hair is darker. I got it cut last week, and decided last minute to get it highlighted, since my pregnant self seems to think my hair needs to be darker than it was. That happened with Tobin, too. I guess we can't ALL be California blondes. Now I'm a California brunette/redhead/blonde, depending on which part of my hair you're looking at.

Well, Tobin just woke up from his nap, so my time is again cut short. After Manny comes in a little bit, I'm going to finish my million errands and, of course, my lovely DDGRs. I'll just keep the quote for the day the same as the last entry, since it *is* technically the same day still. Tomorrow is the Halloween/October Birthdays party at Grandma & Al's, so you can look forawrd to some cute pictures tomorrow!

Playroom!

Hooray! My computer is up and running! Even the guy I had to pay to fix it had no idea what was wrong with it, but hey, at least it's working. As you can see, my phone is working as well, so here are some pictures of Tobin's playroom. Nevermind the garbage at the end of the counter my roommate has yet to take out, as always.Those are Dr. Seuss pictures on the wall (along with some shapes in different colors) and on top of his bookshelf are Red Fish and Blue fish- two betas named after (you guessed it) the Dr. Seuss book.

You can also see the table & chairs and toybox I built (that toybox was DEATH! The instuctions -which I should have just ignored- were obviously written by someone who didn't even speak English. Horrible.) There's a picture of Tobin sitting on his toymat (which has all the ABC's and numbers on it) surrounded by his Bob The Builder duplo blocks, courtesy of Grammy and Boppa. (ABC book on the table, also courtesy of Grammy & Boppa- he LOVES that book. It never even gets put away, and that's something, since both Tobin and I like our space pretty clean)

The last pictures are of his Harry Potter room under the stairs- he has a Bob the Builder (of COURSE) sheet up in the doorway (though there is a closing door) and (you guessed it!) Bob stickers (decals, really) on the walls inside. There's not *too* much in there, but there's some toys and books and his ever important potty chair.

I have about a million errands to run that I should start getting to, but I figured that I'd get these pictures up while I can. I may write more later, depending on what all I still have to get done by Tobin's nap. I hope you all are well. :)

quote of the day: "If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement and mystery of the world we live in." Rachel Carson (same person as yesterday!)

The Benefits of Being Two

So, the benefits of being two (so far) start with being able to act like a total spaz out of nowhere and have it brushed off as "being two", but more importantly include the ability to pull off a tutu, rainboots and a sippy cup, as illustrated by Gabby, above. (Just for you, Amber :) That's Tobin over there, tying on rainbow scarves. Well, HE needed something special to dance in too, didn't he? :)

I miss Randal so much. This is horrible. I mean, I'm not crying or pining away alone in a corner, but I really, really miss him. Whatever amount of time I get to spend with him when he's home is going to be all the time we'll have seen each other for six months. SO lame. I suppose it cuts down on arguments over which side to squeeze the toothpaste from when he's here, but it would seem like such a blessing to be able to be around each other enough to have one of those arguments in the first place right now, I'd be grateful for it.

My waist is 40 inches right now. FORTY INCHES. (See pictures, courtesy of Amber after work today) That's almost twice what it usually is. I can actually feel my skin stretching when the baby moves. It's TIME, I say. Only now I'm trying to NOT have the baby in case Randal comes home. THAT is a predicament, I tell you. Like I have control over it, anyhow. That just means whatever happens, I'll be grateful.

Well, it's getting late, and though Tobin's not here now, he will be *bright* and early tomorrow, thankyouverymuch, Manny. So.. there's a little update for today, anyhow. Randal is enjoy a *liittletiny* amount of free time (haha) now that he's not on the boarding team, but I can tell he's really ready to come home. I'm ready, too.

quote for the day: "If I had influence with the good fairy who is supposed to preside over the christening of all children, I should ask that her gift to each child in the world be a sense of wonder so indestructible that it would last throughout life." Rachel Carson

...cont'd

At the end of the day, he was pretty tired out. (see CUTE picture, sleeping on Grandma :) Could be that his nap was ZERO MINUTES long... He crashed at about 8:00, though. I had to wake him up this morning at about 9:30 to get ready for work. He also had to lseep in my bed (again) to sleep at all. He has to THRASH before he finally settles down to sleep. Not that I'm sleeping through the night anyhow at this point, but that's probably nature's crash course in getting up a million times a night. Fun.

Anyhow- I've only got a few more minutes before Manny brings Tobin back, so I'm going to try and eat and get some more stuff done while I still can. So... everything's up in the air still, but at least the pieces will probably land somewhere that won't break my heart. :)

quote for the day: "Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful." -Buddha

PS: Doesn't Tobin have the sweetest sleeping face you ever laid eyes on? I can't think of anything a Mommy loves more than her child... asleep. :)

*WHEW*

So, if you can tell by the *WHEW*, there have been some changes since my past entry, THANK GOODNESS. Thank. Goodness. Jeeeez.

SO- first off, right AFTER I got the news he wasn't gonig to be here for another month, I get *another* e-mail where he said they wanted to keep him on the boat another TWO AND A HALF YEARS. Um, no. Not acceptable at ALL. I told him I might as well just ship my ring to his XO, so he could have that wrapped around his finger, too. Luckily, hearing about 2 1/2 more YEARS of this was so huge that there was no possible way for me to be sad about it. It was just numbing.

BUT! (and thank goodness for those) BUT- Randal made the decision to quit the Boarding Team, rendering himself much less useful to the boat, so now he may not even have to go to the training in November at all, which would be SO HAPPY. If anything, we're just going to see if he can fly home when the ship refuels in San Diego around the 5th, and then meet them in Astoria a few days later. He was a bit concerned about the cost of flying around so much, but only until he was informed of the cost to his wife if he didn't. :)

So... we'll see. I feel SO much better, though. I think he's just trying to stress me out so much that there's NO way I can have the baby until he gets home. Sheesh. I still think the Coast Gaurd is poo, though. They should NOT be messing with the emotional state of a woman who is nine months pregnant. That is just not funny.

Tobin is doing well- we had dinner with Grandma and Al last night (outside, since it was about 70 degrees) and he watered EVERYthing. As you can see in the pictures... not to exclude body parts, which is why there's a gradual lessening of clothing on him as the pictures go on. :)

$*&#ing Coast Guard

Now that I'm done with my heaving sobs, I guess I'll whine to you guys. I just got an e-mail from Randal saying he's not coming home until December, and then it's two weeks until he goes back out again. Both Manny and the Coast Guard seem to be set in making sure no matter what happens, I remain a single mother. I DID NOT GET MARRIED TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER. I am so dissapointed and sad. I have a pinched nerve in my back so I can hardly walk, my stomach is huge and cumbersome, Tobin is sick and freaking out because he's 2 and he can sense the baby coming, Manny's decided that no matter what, he's not letting Tobin move away, and now Randal isn't even going to be around for ths first MONTH of the baby's life, let alone be there for my labor and his/her birth. Wonderful.

Tobin turned 2 yesterday. We didn't do anything too exciting- we're having a family party for him on the 25th with his cousins, which should be fun. If my phone wasn't being retarded and not letting my upload pictures, I would post one of his new playroom that has been my project the past two weeks. He LOVES it. Too bad he's going crazy. I have a feeling these next couple of months are going to be... interesting. Full.... very full.

I have a great history of keeping my chin up, and this will be no different. I just wish I had any of my life settled. I'm just waiting.... waiting for the baby to come, waiting to hear Randal's voice and see him again, waiting to hear where I'll be living, and for the fight in court it's going to take to get there... I just feel so drained at the prospect of all of it. I know it will be fine, and it will work out and blah blah blah, but man- it really, really sucks from here.

quote for the day: "For nothing is fixed, forever and forever and forever, it is not fixed; the earth is always shifting, the light is always changing, the sea does not cease to grind down rock. Generations do not cease to be born, and we are responsible to them because we are the only witnesses they have. The sea rises, the light fails, lovers cling to each other, and children cling to us. The moment we cease to hold each other, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out." James Baldwin

Whole Foods is Awesome

Whew. I had my first migraine today. LAME. *OH* lame. I thought I was going to die, serioiusly. That was out of control. I went to Whole Foods, though. I found a new brand of Soy Ice cream (stop making that face!) that gives part of its proceeds to helping Sea Turtles. How great is that? That, my friends, is why Whole Foods is awesome. I'm okay with moving to the East Coast ONLY because I'm pretty sure there's a Trader Joe's not too far away- it would be even better if they had Whole Foods, but I'll take what hippiness I can get if we have to move there.

I AM NINE MONTHS PREGNANT!! NINE. Yup. 9. Alllllllll nine. What does this mean, you say? It means that I have to rush like a city driver down the hallway towards the bathroom at a moment's notice only for like 4.3 drops of pee. GREAT. It also means that the baby is HUGE and sitting on about every nerve I have in my lower extremeties, I can't bend in ANY direction or move any part of me (mind included) very quickly. UGH. I am OVER IT. Yeah yeah, pregnancy glow and cute little (HA!) belly and all that- COME OUT, KID. If this one camps out as long as Tobin (that would be 42 1/2 weeks, thankyou) I will DIE. Die! I will explode if my midsection doesn't just break my spine off first. 

I'm still constantly torn between whether I really care or not if Randal's there, or whether I just want it OUT. The latter of those two is a pretty strong feeling, let me tell you! But, I wouldn't want Randal to miss the birth for anything, except getting it out of me sooner! Luckily, I don't really have much control over either one, so I'll just have to wait and see. That just means I'll be grateful for ANYthing. Anything but this.

I'm also about done with missing Randal. THE END. I am tired and achey and fat and I want my husband! He's been gone two months which is LONG ENOUGH. I wish there was a way he could come home early so I could just get this little baby on out, and have him home. *sigh* Anyhow- I'm exhausted, so I'm going to go. My phone is being a poo and not letting me upload pictures, but I will as soon as I can get it working. I hope you all are doing well. :)

quote for the day: "Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside." Rita Rudner

... cont'd

I got a letter today from my insurance comany that said my insurance has been cancelled since JUNE (hel-LO?? Why didn't they tell me before???) and so they're not paying crap for my body damage, and THEY'RE the *only* people (not even the police) that have the possibility of getting the information from the chick who hit my car. So now, I have a broken car with NO way to fix it, and I've been driving with no insurance for four months, an didn't even know. Niiiiiiiice.

Grammy and Boppa came over for a little while today- that was nice. They both get a lot of enjoyment out of Tobin, and vice versa. Tobin gets a LOT of enjoyment out of "pushing" (walking) Misty, their Kairn Terrier. (think Toto) I think they think it's pretty funny, too. He is SO important and big when he's got a leash in his hand, let me tell you!

Tobn was awesome today. He only took about a 40 minute nap, though. Amazingly enugh, he wasn't crazy, really. We read some books upstairs in my bed, then I put him in his crib and laid down. I woke up 45 minutes later when he hit his chin on the rail from jumping and starting crying. Poor little guy. He was SO sweet all day, though. That makes a lot of things feel better. Unfortunately, my stomach is nt one of them.

Anyhow- I've got to write Randal and get home to bed. I'll write again when I have free time and access to a computer. I wish i knew how to fix mine- it won't even boot! Jerkface.  Oh well. I hope you all are doing well- ONE MORE WEEK until I'm 37 weeks pregnant, when I will be nine months pregnant and READY. Ready ready ready. Annnny time is fine by me. Not that I have anything at ALL ready in my house, but I don't care. Slap some diapers on hat baby, and I'm good. S/he can sleep with me in my bed, and SOMEone will bring my some teeny baby clothes, I'm sure. Oh, and the reigning boy name at present is Aiden Kai. Not that Randal knows that, but I'll tell him in a minute when I write him. :)

quote for the day: "Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed." - Corita Kent

sigh

Pictures: Tobin, Gabby, Porky and I seeing puppies.... still no bulldogs, though. Poo. :(

Hello! Sorry for not having written much at all lately- my computer crashed, and I can't even get it to load. I'm at my parents' now, using their computer. It sucks twice over, since e-mail is also the only way I have of communicating with Randal. I've also been sick since Sunday night, which doesn't help a whole lot. I didn't go to work until Wednesday. I had an appointment at the Birthing Center this morning and I told them about it- they said that it's probably just a resurgance of morning sickness. (when the heck did sign up for that? It can DO that??) Either way, I've been waking up at about 4 or 5:00 in the morning with horrible stomach ahes, and nothing to be done about it but lose sleep. Awesome.

So, I'm tired. Par for the course, I suppose, but I am TIRED. I'm about ready to be done with this whole being pregnant situation. I'm caring less and less whether Randal will be there or not, and more and more when I can be THROUGH. They checked and the head is WAY down. My cervix is still way up, though, which means I'm not close to labor anytime soon. Poo.

I'm redoing the front room in the housefo Tobin- I pu down a big ABC mat that's about 10x10, and I'm putting all his pictures and stuff up on the walls. I got him a nice toybox for his birthday (along with some Play-Doh and some other stuff) that will be in that room. I have to put it together, though. I'm actually pretty good at theat- I just got a new bookcase (OH MAN, I love it!!) that Sean helped put together and it was pretty easy. I built the bookshelf that's in Tobin's room and the computer desk, too. Go me!

Okay, so my bookcase. I LOVE IT. I've enver had my very own bookcase before. I know, I'm a nerd, but I seriously LOVE it. All five kabillion of my books have a home! It's so great! They're all pretty, and I also have some of my fairy figurines and music boxes on it, too. I LOVE IT. I just sit and look at how awesome it is when I'm laying in a heap on the couch because my stomach hurts so bad. At least SOMEthing's good.

 

...cont'd

Man, my computer is retarded. I wonder what's going on. I posted the first half of this entry, and it looks addition-free, but it's still all stretched out. Poo. Oh well. In case you averted your eyes from the attack-of-the-plus-signs entry, I'll tell you again that I got my pregnancy massage yesterday. It was GREAT.  There is a random body part protruding from my belly. Have you guys seen Alien? That is the closest thing to almost-term pregnancy as I can think of. It feels SO BIZZARE.

I got the kitchen (even the floors!) and the downstairs bathroom clean so far today. I have to pay some more bills (OH joy) and pick up the living room, then I'll be pretty much finished. I also have to go over to my parents' and finish doing my laundry, but that's all I can finish here while Tobin's sleeping. Wow. I can actually like, sit down. I have a feeling in another month or so, those words will be carefully stricken from my vocabulary.

Well, on that note, I'm going to sit while I can. I'm going to look some more in the name book at boy's names- three people rnadomly told me yesterday that they thought it was a boy. Probably just because I'm carrying all up front and not really anywhere else, but still- that made me get a move on those names! It's so weird not knowing, especially since like EVERYONE seems to get an ultrasound nowadays. But, I am not everyone. I am me, and I like not knowing.

More names I kinda like are: Elijah, Logan, Milo, Micah, Jacoby, Aiden, Skylar... I forget the rest. Any suggestions on your end? Randal is NO stinkin' help- just "whatever you think is fine, hun." GREEEEAT. Thanks, honey. That really helps. I told him I'm naming him Xandar Ezekiel (hey, that's kinda cool! Kinda. Okay, maybe only if I give birth to a biblical robot) if he doesn't help me. If *that* is fine, then I just don't even know.

Anyhow- I'm going to go sit. I hope you all are doing well, and feel free to comment whenever- I'm at like 350 hits (times people have viewed the page) and under 10 comments. I KNOW you're out there. Unless there's just some random people out there reading my page that I don't even know. Even so, it would be interesting to hear their opinions, I suppose. Once I got over the creepiness. :)

quote for the day:

@$%*&@!!

And again- @%*&@!!

As you can probably see (unless it's just MY computer that's twacked) the last entry (or two, depending on your definition) are *special*. For some reason, even when I've gone through and manually removed them TWICE, the computer has decided that plus signs are MUCH better than spaces between words. I apologize and understand if you skipped the whole thing.  I hope this one doesn't turn out the same. I will be UBERfrustrated.

So, boohoo. Not much I can do about it, really. My fish died today. :*( Poor little guy. He was pretty tore, though. I'll just keep the extra little bowl as a time-out tank, or one for fish who need recooperation. My personal little fish ward! :) Randal said that the boat is running parallel to the torms now, though they'll probably catch the tail end tomorrow. His day off is tomorrow, and they're being allowed to wear t-shirts and shorts because of the heat and humidity. At least they're doing THAT much.

Old Navy is having a huge sale right now- I went in and got three shirts, a sweater (YUM) and an outfit for Tobin for under $40. Go, me! Man, I love that store. The Old Navy in thecity has a Maternity section in it, which is pretty much the only place I won't run screaming from at the hint of a stretchy panel. I'm still in regular clothes- I've only gained about 18 lbs or so.

I got one of those velvet pants and jacket outfits that everyone and their mom has, and I have worn that sucker 5 our of the last 7 days. I even SLEPT in it. It's like wearing a blanket, I swear. I originally went into Old Navy hoping they'd have some in there, but they didn't have them in small enough sizes left. Poo. It's finally retired into the hamper, though. I don't even want to know what's on it, but luckily I'm a genuis and I bought it in black, so you can't see ANYthing. Being around toddlers makes me kinda wish wearing a poncho all the time was more fashionable, but short of that, there's black.

I bought a name book to help me with boy names- I'll have you know that the first page, first chapter of the book called "Cool Baby Names" is titled "Dakota". I'm alllll ahead of the game! :) Being that it was the combination of me and a bookstore, I a

Drool.

I got my pregnancy massage today. Drool. I actually did drool,too. You KNOW you're relaxed when you drool in a strange place onsomeone else's pillow. The picture is of the waiting room, and if you can see in the left corner, there is a fountain made ou

I AM THE TRUFFLE MASTER

I am sitting here typing because I am trying to distract my fingers. You know what they want? Those raspberry truffles you see right there. It's Thursday, which is the day I allow myself *one* to mark the passing of another week, and there are as many left as it will take for Randal and this baby to get here. I got exactly as many as I needed in thecity shopping with Porky, (when I got that amazingly good Pumpkin Truffle) and I do NOT want to venture back there again while I have this tummy and a stickshift.

Do I care? No, I definitely do not. I just ate one and I NEEEEED- I'm telling you Pregnant-Woman-NEED another one. But I'm not going to do it. Nope. I will have self-control. I'm just writing to you guys so I can TELL someone abut this amazing self-control I'm exhibiting here. I AM THE TRUFFLE MASTER. Maybe. Man, I deserve a truffle just for excersizing such mastery. I think I sense a trip to See's in my future. Mmm. Truffle.

cont'd...

My new Parrotfish are picking on my little black goldfish! Poor little guy! He has two big chunks out of his tail, and some scales missing. Both types of fish are labeled semi-aggresive, though. In the picture, you can see both of the Parrotfish stalking him. Big jerks! Oh well. If they can't work it out, I'll just have to separate them. (can you tell I'm a mommy? :)

I'm getting attacked from the inside out. The baby hasn't stopped moving in a LONG time. (HMM- can't guess who the father could be... :) Ugh. Something that's squirming around *that* much should really be on the OUTside of me, I think. Soon, soon. I'm thinking that the 4th is the soonest Randal can possibly get here, so I'll go into labor late that night, and have the baby the next day. A baby girl, for that matter- as long as I'm predicting. We'll see!

I got some freeway flowers yesterday (Gerber Daisies, to be exact) that look beautiful on my coffee table. I got a new candle at Target, too- it smells SOOOO good. It's all the autumn-y smells like pumpkin, pine and spice. YUM. Man, I love the fall. I got to wear a sweater ALLLL day today. I love it love it love it. Anyhow- I'm going to rest awhile, then, of course, attack my lovely DDGRs. I hope you all are doing well, and please feel free to post on here anytime- I like hearing from you as much as you (probably/hopefully) enjoy hearing from me!

quote for the day:

 "Before you were conceived I wanted you
Before you were born I loved you
Before you were here an hour I would die for you
This is the miracle of life."  -Maureen Hawkins

Pictures!

We got pictures back today! Amber (my boss) took some when Randal was here last. She's really great at photography, which is part of the reason I have so many awesome pictures of Tobin. (and Gabby, of course) So she took some pictures a couple of weeks ago, and here they are! They're not really clear because I had to take pictures of pictures (have I mentioned I love my phone?) but at least you can see them. Tobin would have been in more (and there are more!) but that was directly during his teething-ness, so he wasn't too interested in sitting still and smiling for anyone.

Today is going well so far- I heard "Beast of Burden" on the radio on the way to work, and that made me pretty happy. I love that song. So much, in fact, I've downloaded it, and am listening to it again at this very moment. Ahh. Work went okay, although I think Gabby might be getting sick or going crazy- she was a bit um, shall we say, testy? So was Tobin, actually. He got three time outs for hitting. Gabby was just overtired and hungry, but an overtired and hungry two year old is definitely something to reckon with. Whew. But now it's Thursday, I got paid, I'm done with my workweek, Manny takes Tobin for the night and he's sleeping at the moment, leaving me with an open evening for quietness. (and extra DDGRs. but I'm not going to think about those right now.)

Looking through the pictures was fun, although I can see in Randal's face that he was fully aware he was only here for a few more hours. Poor guy. I mean, he has a great attitude and a crazy man's work ethic, but I would hate being away from my family, and I know he does. At least he got to see my belly one more time, in case he misses the birth. He's headed for warmer waters now (whatever and wherever that means) and he'll be able to do boardings soon. That should keep him occupied and get all the testostorone out before he gets to come home and be a new daddy. I'm not sure he's aware exactly how much he's going to just squish on the inside when he sees his child for the first time. He's going to have no spine left, I know it. But that's okay. That's why he's playing Rambo now. :)

Happy Birthday, Sthsthinky!!!

...cont'd

I usually don't label my continued entries, but it's my dad's birthday today, so I had to say Happy Birthday. "Sthsthinky" is a nickname I started calling him years ago (no explanation if you've ever been around him with his shoes off- now THERE's a P.U. for you!) The "sthsth" part of it is a noise apparently only my sisters and I can make, and my dad definitely cannot. I have no idea how to spell it, but that's as close as I can get. And now you know.

The picture is of Tobin and my dad at Costco this past Sunday. Tobin was definitely having a Grandpa-day, which I'm SURE was just fine by him. He and Tobin don't get to hang out a whole lot, but they sure have a special bond (especially since my dad has three girls) and it's good to see them enjoy it when they can. Tobin kept PULLING and PULLING on his hand, saying, "Peease Grampa? Come wif you?" (which in Tobin-language means 'Come with me?') He says to you what he'd like to hear FROM you... it's a bit confusing at first, but since he speaks so clearly, once you nderstand his method, it's pretty easy to get.

I've decided to tackle the bathroom and kitchen today during my DDGRs, since they're beginning to reach a point that makes me feel not sanitary doing what I need to do in either space. Not that that even really means they're terribly dirty by anyone else's standard- but by jove, I'm not anyone else. I'm me, and I say it's dirty. HOORAY for having my own space to be able to say that in. *ahh*

Well, off to my aforementioned chores- and then a NAP. A nap would be heaven. OH yeah. It's on like donkey kong.

quote for the day, in honor of daddies: "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain