*Ahhhh*

I just got out of a 35 minute shower. *ahhhh* Both boys are sleeping, and I probably should be, too. Howeverm a loooong shower (or bath) and writing are just about as theraputic for me as anything. I realized this morning that I hadn't even showered in... days. I don't even know how long. So, I took and extra long, extra scrubby shower and now I feel MUCH better.

This morning, I thought I was losing my mind. I did it. I knew I would at some point. I hated it before I did it, when I was doing it and I still hate it, but I did it. I found the end of my Ghandi-like patience with Tobin. They were both crying this morning (precurser- I am NOT a morning person) and Tobin was merely crying because Aiden was and Aiden had my attention an the moment. So, of course- because it's the BEST way to quiet a two year old, I said, "STOP. CRYING."

Yes, well, we ALL know how well that worked. So now they're BOTH hysterical and I feel like crying myself simply because I am exhausted and because I was hoping somehow the never ending patience most choose to award me with actually existed. Alas and alack, I know no one is superhuman, least of all me. Nevertheless, there we were, the three of us crying in the bathroom for our own selfish reasons, and me the only one with anything to do about it. When do I get MY turn to just cry and have someone come running to meet my needs? Where is the person to hold me and ask what's wrong and just sit with me until I feel better? On a freakin' boat, that's where. *sigh*

I also just *LOVE* the fact that nature decides that right after you have a baby is a GREAT time to give you all these insane horomones, just to MAKE SURE you lose your mind, in case having a newborn doesn't get you there fast enough. Luckily, even perma-PMS doesn't totally annihilate me, and I have obtained the ability to rationalize my retardedness. "I am not insane. This is just hormones. Is it HOT in here??" Unfortunately, my rationale doesn't make me FEEL any better. It just helps keep my feet on the ground so I can at least try and keep moving through it, which I've found is one of life's most important things.