Responses

First of all, this is my journal. It is the place I can write down how I feel honestly, and provide other people who are far away or not so involved in our everyday lives the inside scoop on our everyday situations. What we are going through now is so painful... so detailed and deep that nothing I can say here in a few paragraphs can make you clearly understand, especially since I am just beginning to myself. I will try and write as much as possible both for my own sake and so as to keep you all informed as well.

I need the freedom to write what I feel here. I have that freedom. I welcome your comments, but please bear in mind that I hardly know what's going on in my life right now, and it's impossible for me to formulate the perfect words to truely convey the heart of my thoughts and feelings, and even more impossible for me to find avenues to express myself through that won't offend anyone. This is a time of huge growth and change for everyone involved, and these here are just my thoughts on it.

On that note, there is something I have to clear up regarding my last entry. I do NOT think Randal is a machine, and the sentence directly after I even introduced the word in my entry says so. I even likened him to my own father directly afterward, and they are two of the most dear people to me in the world. I used machine as a metaphor because Randal moves like one... steady, proficient, and never ceasing to fulfill his duty. When functioning properly, the military functions like a well-oiled machine as well. Machines also have the on/off ability, which compares to how I perceive Randal's words towards me. The day after we had the conversation that started this all, every bit of our conversations that were personal, small talk or feeling-oriented were dropped. Just gone. Off. Of COURSE, of  course the way we relate to each other has changed- our entire worlds have. That metaphor is only a picture of how the changes feel to me.

Most importantly, the kids are doing well (Aiden has his first two teeth coming in!) and Tobin is, of course, as smart and beautiful as ever. I will post pictures up here as soon as I can. Randal and I talk almost everyday, and are trying to weed through this and make the best decisions we can together. Your continued support on both sides of this is appreciated.

 

I'm not sure where to start. Today was one of the hardest days of my entire life. All of you on the inner circles of my life already know this, and to the rest of you, this will probably shock you as much as everyone else.

Randal and I are getting a divorce.

Ouch.

Yesterday  the shock began to wear off, and I felt the first real pangs of separation . This morning,, I looked at the calendar and realized it has been two weeks exactly since The Phonecall. I was just so overwhelmed and consumed in thoughts and emotions that it's propelling me to write now, though I know this subject is so tender.

To those of you on the "other" side of this, I think you all are wonderful, generous, loyal, loving people and I'm so glad to see such close family ties, and lucky to play whatever role in them I have. I want you to have as much access to Aiden as you want, and I would never dream of keeping him from such a caring and steady network of people who love him, the same as I would never dream of keeping Tobin from his.

My life choices have put me in a precarious position, I know. It's taken two full weeks of introspection to even be able to put my thoughts into words about it, as I am trying to now. Randal called and told me today that he's filed the papers. He's decided to make a career out of the military, and is accepting a position doing some sort of super secret ninja thing in other countries, and we just can't wait years on end trying to maintain, let alone build on a relationship only built in 4 months time.

He told me a couple of months ago that he wanted to get married so soon because he wanted to make it by tax day. How romantic. I was afraid of the social discraces placed upon a single mother with two kids from two different fathers. We really liked each other. It seemed like an obvious match. A smart match. But the thing that he feels deep down feeds his soul makes me unhappy, and vice versa. It's terrible to accept, I know. Sometimes I just want to look at people and scream, "I HURT!" But I've got those boys we all love to love, and I know without a doubt that my love for them can overcome and heal any hurt I have from this, and keep me going when I feel like I absolutely can't. I feel so blessed to be aware of how special and amazing they both are, and to have them in my life, no matter the circumstances.

I still have my same day-to-day lfe here, though I am thinking of moving to Sacramento in a few months where rent (and everything else) is cheaper, since I'll have full financial responsibility (minus child support) and I know that is a lot, and something I am just beginning to get my sea legs with. Sea legs.

Our conversations are so businesslike... it's like he just dissappeared into the blue, just like he came out of it. It's almost like he's some sort of machine... I've never seen anyone work as much and with such precision as Randal- even my dad, and in case you don't know him, that's saying something. Machines also have that amazing on/off ability. Funny thing is of course Randal's a human, and I hope that as he chooses to throw himself into the military machine that he remembers that.

Well, I am exhausted. I am going to attempt to sleep now... I'm doing okay, just so you know. I mean, of course I'm sad and about a million other things, but I know that whatever happens, I have the capability to handle my life and the lives of my children, and that's huge. But now I must rest, because, of course, life goes on, and so do DDGRs, whether I like it or not. Good thing I do. :)

quote for the day: "What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life." Leo Buscaglia