My creative writing teacher in high school always said to just write anything that comes to mind for ten minutes before trying to write anything constructive. I guess this is sort of my version of that, since I've been staring at the screen for some time now. It's so hard to know where to start when I feel so in the middle all of the time, never at the beginning or end. I guess that's where we're supposed to be though, right? Because if we're not in the middle, then we're ahead of or behind ourselves, neither of which I think is very good. Man, I can't believe I'm actually writing in my journal again.
I've made a resolution to myself as of late (loosely related to a New Year's resolution, I suppose, but I'm running to catch up with even the dates at this point) to try and write more... a few times a week, at least. My therapist says its good for me, and I know she's right. It's so hard, though... I find it incredbly hard to put myself back out here, where there are people who can read the context of my heart and mind who have hurt me very deeply. I rarely find it hard to forgive, but I do find it difficult to erase the imprint left on my insides. I have pulled back in most areas of my life to maintain working two nanny jobs and making sure my children (and myself) are nurtured in every way.
Aiden is walking, which is still a very recent development. Lucky for you guys, that new development comes along with my new videophone, which is a new development in my life that I LOVE. (I think it requires quicktime or something to view, though- let me know!) This little "development" is thanks to the little house fairy Aiden must have given my old cellphone to in the 10 seconds I wasn't looking at him right before I was out the door for work two weeks ago. He is SUCH a little boy. He will get into ANYthing I leave anywhere, especially if it has sugar in it. I found this out around Christmas, when we had hidden some Hershey's kisses in a drawer in the coffee table and Aiden figured out how to open the drawer, pop one in his mouth and close them both as if nothing had happened. Stinker!
Tobin is, of course, as handsome, intelligent and sweet as ever. Of course, there's always the attention competition with Aiden, which is inevitable with siblings, and hard on everyone. Tobin is potty training now, (yiippeeee!!!!) and he's doing alright- he's wearing Pull Ups daily, (diapers during naps) and mostly, they're staying dry, except for #2s, dagnabit. When he goes, we sing conga-line style (a-peepee-in-the-pot-TY! a-peepee-in-the-pot-TY!) to the cupboard for a supriiiiiiiize! (mostly, I can get away with giving him a vitamin or a raspberry chewable eccinacea supplement- delicious AND nutritious!) Yes, yes... this affirms my hippiness has remained intact.
As for me- I've begun drums lessons (Djembe, not a kit) which I really find a lot of joy in, and have a natural talent for. At least all of those 6am choir classes counting all those bizzarre rhythms over and over (and over and over) are going to some good in my adult life. I've felt really moved to make music recently as well- I'm not sure with my voice or drum of both (or neither) yet but I'm trying to not be so shy about doing whatever it is in front of people.
I'm not sure what my hang up is... maybe making music is something too close my my heart for me to just proclaim to strangers. But I suppose when I die, I'd rather have sung my soul as beautifully as possible to closed ears than to have kept my insights and illusions to myself and never have tried. It's scary, though. For some reason. I don't know... hopefully I'll be able to move past it in the next little chunk of time.
So... here we are. my first entry in for damn ever. I did it! Now I just have to figure out how to upload from my new videophone. Anyhow- I hope you all are well, and I'm really going to try and make an effort to keep this updated more often- amazingly enough, (to me, anyhow) a lot of people inquired when I stopped writing so much. I can't believe so many people around and about read this silly thing! I never thought my random ramblings would hold interest for anyone but myself... I guess it goes to show you never know. Well, I better get back to life, laundry and the persuit of chocolate. :)
Quote for the day, (one of my favorites, and slightly New Year-esque) "You must be the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi
PS: I'm also trying out a new site through AOHell that allows me to send out one e-mail to all of you (that so desire) each time I update my journal. I have sent a few of you invitations either a while ago or within the last day- if you'd like to receive one and haven't, please let me know. It's an invite-only list at the moment, though I may make it public later when I feel more comfortable sharing with the general public, or, you know, when I get around to it. :)
