Whew. There is SO MUCH going on right now! At least one member of my family (except me! :*(  Boohoo.) has been with my grandparents since the last entry, helping out around the house and with whatever other odds and ends they might need help with. Boppa seems to be recovering wonderfully and the doctors say the operation added another 15-20 years to his life, which is also wonderful. Grammy's OTHER kne has started hurting, possibly as a complication due to her lack of ability to put too much pressure on her first knee... poor lady! She's got a remarkable attitude, though. She's always told when in rough times to remember, "this too, will pass..." which helps in most situations. Unfortunately, pain doesn't pass until you figure out where it's coming from & why then fix it, but hopefully that's coming. She's trying acupuncture, which I've heard AWESOME things about. Of course, I'm always interested in alternative healing methods, which is why I want to continue my education in Holistic/Naturopathic medicine. I haven't landed on one specific methods that feels best to me- I have a feeling it's going to be a lot like shopping for jeans... you just have to start trying them on to see which on fits what I have going on the best!

Another thing fueling my desire to learn how to heal is that Kira is really, really ill. She's finally getting through the paperwork for insurance, but it seeing 4 or 5 different people and taking as many medications. She had a fever of almost 104 last week and was t in and pumped full of radiation so they could look at her heart. It was then they found out that she's got Hodgkin's Lymphoma. (as opposed to non-Hodgkin's) She's got a lot of work cut out for her... it's so hard to watch someone so vivacious and lovely turn into someone so pale and weak. We went from seeing each other at the least every other day to her returning my phonecalls maybe once a week because she is so exhausted and out of it. My heart hurts so much for her... it's like Aiden's Going On A Bear Hunt book, "We can't go over it, we can't go under it.... oh. no! We have to go through it!"  .... yuck.

On the lighter side of things, I got to spend time with *two* of my girlfriends who live in Sacramento this weekend. Casey, (www.caseysuedesigns.com) who I model for quarterly, and Tara, who just *FINALLY* returned from Utah with her fiance (and my other very good friend/ex-roommate)Jorge and their 6 month old, Jayden. Tara had her own share of extreme difficulty last year which lead her to recover and nurture her pregnancy with family in Utah. They just arrived in Sac last week- it was SO GOOD to see them! Jayden also has THE BEST CHEEKS EVER. Oh man. I must have kissed them a thousand times! :)

Of course, with each up there is a down, and as one friend finally returns from another state, I have another leaving. My friend (and also friend to both of my sisters and family) Ryan is taking off for Portland in a week. Boohoo!! Ryan is someone that has always been there for me to help with the kids or myself, who worked with me at Gottschalks and has been SO fun to hang out with for the past few years. We had a going away slumber party (this is where I should mention he's gay...;) and morning mimosas over the weekend (see pic above) and I'll probably see him once more before he goes, which is totally bittersweet because I'm happy he's got his life together and is following his desires, but I'm going to MISS that boy!

As for my own boys, they are doing wonderfully... Tobin is a wonderful student in school- each day I pick him up, I am always hearing about how well he uses his words in conflict management, and how perceptive he is in reading the other kids' emotions. Of course, I already know these things since I figured out that he's an Indigo, (www.indigochild.com) but it's nice to hear them reinforced. In fact, the teacher has told me she has NEVER seen a four year old as mature and collected in terms of his conflict management skills as Tobin. That's my boy!

Aiden is still skating up a storm- as weather permits, anyhow! We had a spell (and a new record!) of 43 days of rain (take THAT, Noah!) this last month or so which was SO LAME. The boys were fighting ALL the time in our tiny apartment with no outside time. I'm sure teachers and other parents were going nuts, too. Then finally- *FINALLY* last week, we had some sun. HALLELUJAH!! ... except that when I went directly to the pool with the boys to soak up the sun & run off some energy, I did a bit too much of the former and they did too much of the latter and I ended up carrying exhausted little boys back up the apartment stairs with a completely scorched front half. Damn.

I have taken Aiden out of his Waldorf school since I am finally home enough to be able to teach and spend time with him myself. The school is SO great, but is expensive for a two year old who doesn't necessarily need to be in school yet. He'll likely return in the fall, when I am planning to return to school as well. He is using his words really well now, too! About half of his sentences are complete gibberish, but you can usually make out the words "skateboard" and "kickflip" or "boardslide" in there somewhere. He thinks the word is "scapeboard", so he's always saying, "Mommy, I nee-a scape ousside!!" ... and that, he does.

Randal is due to come home at the end of next month, possible on the same day as my next runway show on May 19th. That would definitely be a surreal way to see him again for the first time! Regardless of what happens where, I know it will be a memorable occasion. He has one more patrol and then (after a year and a half) he's *THROUGH* in Iraq. I can't wait!

As for me... I'm doing well and finding it enough to fill my days simply trying to keep my kids' and friends' health and schedules straight. I am enjoying every minute of time I get to spend with each of them, knowing this too, will pass.I am filled with so much love, it's amazing. The depth of connection I feel to my friends and family these days in unparalleled for me. I feel like I'm finally headed down the right track for myself and my life, with possibilities and learning experiences around each crazy turn that seems to come my way.

Well, I have to walk with Aiden to the store and run about ten errands today before Tobin is out of school, so I better get going. I hope you all are well- don't forget to drop a not or comment and say hello! I love hearing from you guys, too.

take care...

quote for the day: "When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." Henri Nouwen

:(

I have been staring at the keys for a few minutes now.. a few moments ago, my head was rushing with thoughts/feelings/ideas/questions/concerns and the only thing I know to do when I have such mental and emotional upheaval is to pour it into paper (or screen. it loses something, but it's so much faster!) and now I sit and my mind is nearing numb.

There has been such an upswing in my life in the amount of wonderful instances, that it can only be evened out by weight so grounding there is no way my head will float away in all these silver lined clouds. In the past week, I have learned that two people that are SO close to me have life threatening/compromising medical problems. My Grammy has been "disabled" (for lack of a better term) due to surgery (& ensuing complications) on her back, neck AND foot. She is hard pressed to do most everything, and Boppa (these are my dad's parents here, if you're not hip to the "Grammy & Boppa" thing, btw) has been taking care of near everything for a few months now.

Until last night, when he thought he was having some indegestion and went into the hospital to find out today that he needs triple bypass surgery. These two people are like gold to me, as well as to each other. I have always been fairly intuitive, if you will- very attuned to the feelings of others- and when I think about how I feel and how they must feel for themselves and each other, it causes me to sit and stare at the keys, speechless.

On top of this, I learned last week that Kira, one of my closest friends, has Lymphoma. She's had a tumor growing to the size of a hand growing rather quickly from her shoulder towards her throat. She's been sick for quite awhile now, sleepless with itchy rashes at night with an ever-incresing neck lump- it's good to now know what is causing it so that it can be treated, but unfortunately, most treatments for advancing stages of cancer are paticularly terrible- namley chemo, which I'm sure you're familiar with. We find out this week which forms and how much of treatment she will need. To top off her plate, she is struggling with insurance and is also unable to work or collect unemployment due to her illness. I feel so awful.

So, the reason I chose to write here instead of in my own journal I have at home is because I truly believe in the power of people, and the power of prayer. I don't know how many people actually read this (although there are over 4,000 hits onthis site!) but who and wherever you are, you can help. If you pray, if/however you commune with whatever higher power you feel there is, (and if you don't, I'd normally say talk to Boppa, but he's a bit indisposed. Take one for the team here and just assume for a while, until he can get back to you) please take some time and energy right now and again when it crosses your mind to focus your thoughts/prayers/energy/good vibes/etc on healing my friends and giving them (and the people who love them SO much) what it takes to get through all of this insanity.

I feel like there is a sinking stone amidst the whirlwaters in my mind, landing heavy in my stomach to wait for what will happen, what is beyond my power. It is also times like these I feel especially motivated to learn all I can about Holistic Healing, which is the field I feel really called to. Part of the wonderfulness coming my way is that I get to go back to school after Randal comes home and finish my education, now that I have some damn direction. (okay, so kids are a little sidetracking.... :)  

Hopefully what comes out of this is a lot of family support and strengthened friendships, as well as stronger awarenesses of our own mortality and the importance of friends and they love they bring to our everyday lives... and the vacancy we'd fill if they didn't. I'm thankful for my own health and that of my children, although Aiden is fighting a head/chest cold that Tobin has already moved through, so my nights have been riddled with cold little feet in my sheets and every other hour awakenings by poor little congested chest spasms. My days have been filled with tissues, cough syrup (homeopathic & honey based :) tea and reading Stella Luna, The Hungry Catepillar and The Country Bunny and the Little Gold Shoes- one of my favorite Easter books as a child.

The boys are up now and needing dinner, as well as more medicine and attention... I will leave updates as they come... for now, please keep all three of my loved ones in your prayers until we know more. I hope all of you are in good health & spirits, as I am trying to be. :)

quote(s) for the day: "Know that although in the eternal scheme of things you are small, you are also unique and irreplaceable, as are all your fellow humans everywhere in the world." Margaret Laurence

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." Scott Peck

 

Stones & Nuffins

Skatin' Aiden