So all of this, and I forgot to mention that Randal came. His mom and sisters did too, but our paths never crossed. It was... I don't know. Akward, for sure. We've been apart for months on end before, but always, always at the end was the long hug and the happy tears and time to look forward to afterwards.

This time, I opened the door with Aiden on my hip and we all just stood there, staring. Randal couldn't take his eyes off of Aiden, and I couldn't take my eyes off of Randal. We said our hellos, and I proceeded to try to associate the two of them and disassociate myself from all of the habits and words I felt tumbling forward inside me. They spent some good time together, and Randal and I hugged once before he left for good. I know from the knot I felt in me then and the one I feel now that there isn't any closure for me... I feel the repercussions of my past choices in who to associate with and trust so deeply these days. It's something I talk about almost every week with my therapist. It's really, really difficult.

There is something else weighing on my heart, aside from all of the obvious possibilities. I've found and lost yet another love... someone incredibly sexy, talented and poetic. (not to mention rich!) No, I am not talking about Randal. :) It's Robert Plant, and there is forever a pit in my stomach from the fact that he's not 25 anymore. WHY universe, oh WHY?!?

Even my teachers in high school said I belonged in the 70s. The mindframe, music and mojo from 65-75 are my favorite and he was there and rockin' it and I was NOWHERE! I can't BELIEVE there was a time where there was a hotel you could simply walk into and party like rockstars with rockstars. Hel-LO? Was I a procrastinator even pre-life? Ahhh, what a cozy womb. I can't wait to get out, stretch my limbs and revel in love, peace and hippy grease. +Whoa! Here comes the light!  I hear music! Ahhh, rock revolution, here I come. Wait a minute. Those are synthentic drums! I smell Aquanet. Is that nurse wearing blue eye makeup? Nnnnnnnooooooooo!! I knew I should have left earlier... put me back IN, damn you!!

Alas and alack, here I am and there Robert Plant is, all 50whatever years of him. *le sigh* So what does a girl do in the face all these bills, no money, no companion and the reality of never having of the possiblity of wooing herself backstage at a Led Zeppelinconcert? Well I have grandparents to help hold off the first part(thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou) and kids to occupy me enough of the time so that it only hurts a little when I hear D'yer Ma'ker.

They are both doing well, and behaving as I've always been told brothers do. Tobin is doing incredibly well with potty training, and Aiden is climbing up everything he can (barely) reach. He can also skateboard as far as someone will push him, even down a driveway, without losing his balance. I tried ollying (uh, essentially jumping with the skateboard) about 100 times the other day and did it about as high as a Ritz cracker exactly three times. I hurt every muscle in my body, but Tobin said, "UHHH, Mommy!!!" (which is a good thing) and made it all worthwhile.

I just loaded some new pictures onto the computer, so I'll get them up as soon as possible. For now, I've got to get them up from their nap, as it's already part when I'd like them to be up. Ah well. Small sacrifices, I guess. I'll try and keep you guys updated here when I have the time and energy. I hope you all are well.

HAPPY BELATED EARTH DAY! :)

quote for the day: "Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow." Thornton Wilder

... well, after work, after a month... whichever comes first. :) Sorry for the delay in writing, but there is no way for me to fill in all of the craziness that has happened since then. To summarize, I'd say life has kept itself at semi-crisis level this entire time. So... where I left off is with Tara, who drove to the hopital and slit her wrists several times on each side and then followed with her neck in her car. She woke up and walked herself into the ER, and after a couple of days in ICU was trasfered to the Psych Ward for about a week, and then left to her grandmother's (near her mother's house) in Utah. Criminy.

The next weekend, to get away from the craziness at home, I take the boys to Grammy & Boppas for Easter, which was lovely. I almost didn't get to go since I had a negative balance in my bank account from having to cover Jobbie's rent at the beginning of the month. I had been waiting all day for Jobbie to get home, since he said he'd have my money by 2, so I could leave when the kids' naptime was, and -long story short again- he didn't have my money, so we waited until SIX, which is when the boys ended up taking their nap... GREAT. And I had to get $100 from my mom (thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou) and drive in the dark, which I had also hoped to avoid. However, we got there, and around midnight when I got the kids down, I was *finally* able to relax a bit.

The weekend was fun- we played on the beach & Boppa mined crystals for Porky & I off of the huge beach boulders. Pretty!! We had crab for Easter dinner, which was really good. They have a little crab shack down the street from their house we try and make it to at least once each time we go up. There's also my FAVORITE store, Plaza Design that I have to go into as well, if only just to breathe in all the yummy candles and couches. (Amber, you LOVE this store) I wish there was a website, but trust me- it's SO awesome. The owner's name is Julie, too. Sweeet.

So I come home from our lovely escape to find Jobbie threw a party at the house where someone PEED on the loveseat in my bedroom (that's right. Someone took a goddamn piss ON THE FURNITURE in my bedroom. And there's a bathroom a mere 4 feet over! AAAUUUGHHH!!!!!!!) Even worse, it was on a $50 piece of red velvet, which I found crumpled in a heap, and of course, saturated in urine. THAAAAAAT'S  f*@#ing fabulous. And where is Jobbie, who has yet to pay rent, though it's the 26th? The world may never know. Not only does he not show up again before the NEXT time rent is due, but he never shows up EVER. (feeeeel the heatedness seeping through the computer)

I ran into him (finally, the damn jackass) in a parking lot downtown and I let him know in no uncertain terms the financial state I'm in because of him, and how I feel about it. I have had to use my child support money (which is pretty much all I have since I only work PT 2x a week) to cover Jobbie's rent & utilities TWICE, and he evaporated. OHHHH hohoho yes. I've also forgotten to mention to phonecall to Italy someone made that cost $1100. I know the number is Alan's... who is Tara's ex-boyfriend of 5 years and Jobbie's childhood friend. Of course neither of them did it, according to them. So. Here I am with a $1300 phonebill that I have to pay with my lack of a job, starting with a negative bank account since I had to cover for my slacker roommates. Yeah. With friends like these, my enemies can have me!

So what else, now? Oh yes. So I've been slowly paying my friend/roomie Steve's dad to fix the body damage under the table (or pay the $6500 the auto body place quoted- no thank you!) and so I haven't been driving it for the past couple of months while he fixes it at his house. Well, lack of driving it I suppose lead to lack of registering it... I just didn't have the money. So long story short of THAT- it got towed for registration and had to be stored for a week before my dad (thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou) got it out for me, which ended up being almost $700 in storage fees, nevermind paying the registration and OH! yes, the ticket I didn't know I had that made my driver's license suspended for the last 6 months. (whew!) Wonderful. Well, my dad is, anyhow. :) *sigh*

As an added bonus, my annual Pap came back abnormal, and I had to all SORTS of fun little tests and samples taken that cost me even MORE money, since all I have is Medi-Cal. It wasn't the expense as much as the worry and discomfort of it, though. But it's over, and (most likely) fine.

Whew.