cont'd... (A Coastie Christmas 2)

 The Coastie rolled over and drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I started to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent, so still,
The Coastie just shivered, from the cold, dark night's chill.
When I left that old cutter, all tossing and turning
Deep down below, the screws were still turning
As the clouds rolled on in, and sea turned to foam
In the far off distance, a light barely shone
The Coasties were up now, about on the decks
and the light that I spyed was barely a speck
So, I gave them a wink, as old glory proudly waved
For on this Christmas Eve, a life would be saved.

HONOR - RESPECT - DEVOTION TO DUTY

----------

Whew! Nice and long, nice and sad, nice and true. Well, maybe except for the Santa part, but don't tell. I'll write more and add more pictures later. I hope you all are well, and enjoying your last day of 2003! :)

The quote for the day will be on the next entry- for right now,m I'll leave you with, "A picture is worth 1,000 words." - anon.

PS: Pictures are of Dad having some Aiden-time (in the COOLEST chair EVER- it gives you up to a 1/2 hour massage- soooo gooooood!) and Tobin playing with Gabby's new keyboard. He sang his entire ABC's on that microphone- except the HIJK "uh-uh-uh-uh-P" part. And, Gabby *completely* dranched in sparkles. Is there another way for a 2-year-old-girl to be? :)

..cont'd (A Coastie Christmas)

The Coast Guardsman's Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, the cutter was steaming,
Coasties on watch, while others were dreaming.
Lookouts above, engineers in the hole
An unfamiliar sight, not like the North Pole.
I landed on deck with presents and gifts,
Hoping that somehow, their spirits I'd lift
I looked all about, a strange sight did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stockings were hung, shined boots close at hand,
On the bulkhead hung pictures of a far distant land.
They had medals and badges and awards of all kind,
More dedicated men, I know I can't find.
For this place was so different, so dark and so rough,
I think I'd discovered, what made Coasties so tough.
A Coastie lay sleeping, silent, and alone,
Curled up in a rack and dreaming of home.
The face was so gentle, the decks squared away,
Gob Bless our Coast Guard, I started to pray.
For this was the hero, I saw on TV,
Pulling lives from the water, and battling the Sea
Defending the Homeland, keeping drugs off the street
Coasties do it all, cause freedom's not free.
I realized the families that I would visit this night,
Owed their lives to these Coasties who lay willing to fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate on this Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom and safety all year,
Because of the Coastie, like the one lying here.
I couldn't help wonder, how many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve, on a sea far from home.
Just that very thought, brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.
The Coastie awakened, and I heard a calm voice,
"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice."
"Defending the homeland all days of the year,
So others may live and be free with no fear."
I thought for a moment, what a difficult road,
To live a life guided by honor and code.
After all it's Christmas Eve, and the ship's underway!
But freedom isn't free and it's Coasties who pay.

Pictures!

Okay- this entry is solely for pictures. I will write, and probably later today, but I have GOT to take advantage of the fact that Manny has Tobin right now, and get some cleaning done. My house is CHAOS. So... here are some pictures, labeled in their respictive order:

1) Tobin playing with a CUTE little girl when we went out for pizza Sunday night.

2) a "Pizza seed"... because, as you know, pizza grows on trees.

3) NASTY water, threatening to eat my car as I drove Porky to Vacaville Monday. The weather was SO cold, windy and rainy. Yuck.

4&5) Tobin fell asleep in the car. Awww. One can never have too many sleeping baby pictures. :)

6) Porky and I in the HOWLING FREEZING wind & rain. I think I look like a muppet.

7) Grammy (who we met in Vacaville) getting some much-needed Aiden time

8) Tobin wearing Grammy's earrings & necklace. (they are little globes- you can see if you look close- we just hooked the earrings over his ears (HE wanted them!!) and they stayed. He was pretty happy. (Now Randal... he'll live, and so will you :)

9) Yay, nursing! Breast is best! (sidenote- Aiden is wearing the outfit given to him by Marc & Jen- I LOVE it!!)

Okay, well- I'm going to attack my DDGRs now, while I have a chance. Ooh! I almsot forgot I was going to put up a poem Randal sent me about a Coastie Christmas. Some of you may have read it already, but here it is, if you haven't. (I have to put in on the cont'd entry, since it's kinda long. But then I can fit more pictures!

...cont'd

It it's always hard when he leaves. I had a pretty good day, though-  I know now to just keep busy, which is never really hard. I came home & went straight to work (ugh- not that I don't love my job, but I was TIRED!) and took care of the kids all day ...and then there's the night, when it's quiet and the kids are asleep and I'm left to myself. The sheets always seem an extra special few degrees colder the first night he's gone. I got in and lay still, trying to let the LEAST amount of sheet touch me as possible.

My mind drifted to the night before, when my sheets where actually a tolerable, if not pleasant temperature. We were laying and talking, and I just had to stop and take in... I don't even know. The moment, my life, the fact that the kids were asleep, Randal, the room, everything. It was like a small part of the love I know is everywhere came down and touched me, and for a moment, everything stopped. That is why I married him, and I felt the warmest and safest I'd ever felt with him laying the closest to me that two people could be in our nice warm sheets.

And then, back to reality in my arctic sheets, I got to stare at the wall, wondering why I had to be alone. Ah yes, the eternal balance. I'm okay with it all, though. I know it's perfectly normal and even good to be sad, and I don't have to hide it. I also know that pimping out my sadness would be irritating to others AND myself. It's really hard on your insides when you choose to hang onto your grief just too feel it, and just to feel validated in your inadequacies. I've seen a lot of people use crap that happens to them to cover up things they don't feel like dealing with, and it's just sad. I refuse to be one of those people.

Well, there's enough of Julie-Philosophy for you. Aiden is asleep and Manny finally took Tobin, so I'm going to try and tackle my house. I knew I had to get cleaning when the first thing that popped into my mind when I walked in the door was, "It's aliiiiiive... AAALLIIIIIVE!!!!" So- time to adorn myself in my Domestic Goddess attire (I should start my own line!) and rid my palace of the conquering clutter.

Hiho dustmop, awaaaaay!

quote for the day: "Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is." H. Jackson Browne

PS: There are 1227 hits on this site, and it's 12/27. Cool.

...cont'd (internal skies)

...cont'd

The first picture is of the drink that started it all, which we got at The Rainforest Cafe- it is SO COOL in there! I tried to get some pictures, but the lighting was too dark for my crap camera phone. (not that I dont *love* my phone, but it's certainly not the coolest camera out there.) but you can check out pictures for yourself @ www.rainforestcafe.com . Coolness. The second is of a building in Union Square- that little light allll the way at the top is where we went dancing. It's called Harry Denton's Starlight Lounge- that was really fun. I hadn't been dancing in YEARS. When we left the dancefloor, other people were patting us on the back and saying, "Good job!" ..... Okaaaay, then. Apparently they liked us dancing as much as we did. Sweet.

We had Christmas with my sisters, parents and granparents Saturday, so Randal could have some form of Christmas, since he really hasn't in four years now. He still had to spend the actual day doing boardings somewhere in Southern Ca, but at least it was something. We got a LOT of sushi-related stuff, which is fiiiiine by me, since it's pretty much my favorite food. (aside from dark chocolate and/or raspberries. Mmm.) He's going to have to practice making it next time he's home. Mmmm. Sushi.

He left Tuesday morning- I had to bring him back to SF at 0500 (that's Coastie-speak for o'dark-thirty) Porky stayed the night to stay with Tobin, and we brought Aiden with us. We got there just in time for sunrise- it's amazing the shortness of time it takes from the world to go from completely dark to completely light. I don't have too much experience with sunrises (I'm a bit like Captain Hook in regards to alarm clocks- there's that inner Pirate again!) but they're actually mostly worth getting up for, if your husband isn't leaving you as soon as it's over.

I was thinking on the way home that it was kind of ironic that the world went from dark to light so fast, as mine did the exact opposite. The sky was grey, everything bare and drab.... nice and abismal to see me off back to my Randal-less life.  The drive through the city wasn't so bad, though. The streets were as lonely as I was. (aww) But as soon, as I approached Santa Rosa, the skies cleared. Too bad it took a bit longer for my internal skies, if you will, to clear.

Didja miss me?

Things that have come and gone in the last week for $500, please:

My husband, Christmas, my grandparents, my best friend, my sanity.

That about sums it up, really. I've written FOUR times this past week, but I would finish, then go to upload pictures, it would fail, then erase EVERYthing. Grr. I've already loaded pictures on this one, though, so TAKE THAT, AOHell!

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! ... and all that good stuff. :) Those of you that have given me your addresses- your pictures are coming! Amy, I found some old ones of us in junior high I just HAD to include. :) My sisters and I made a collage for my mom for Christmas, and it involved going through a LOT of old pictures- next entry I'll try and get some good ones up- though I have SO many from the last couple of weeks, you guys are just going to be bombarded.

The pictures that are up are from waiting in SF for Randal's ship to come in. I even snuck in a paprazzi shot of him walking off the... I feel like saying plank, but that's just my inner pirate speaking from the fifteen times I've watched Pirates of the Carribbean. (Polly want a Johnny and an Orlando? Ay, matey!) Well, I don't know what that thing's called, but I have a picture of him on it, thanks to my dads ubercool camera! I actually found parking right on the pier they pulled into, so I got to wait, nose pressed against the chain link fence, for Randal to get there. I was at the end of the lot when I saw the mast (I think that's what it's called) and RAN, both kids in the stroller alllllll the way to the end of the lot- the most I've ran in a long time, and the most fun Tobin's had in the stroller, I'm sure.

We had a night to ourselves in thecity that night, which was fun. Pictures of that will be on the con'd entry. We went for a night on the town- to dinner, dancing and a couple of bars. The night Randal and I met (last New Year's at the restaurant where I used to work.) he introduced himself as "Tork". I said, "What, like dork?" ...and thus the challenge and the saga were born. I learned the meaning of that nickname Thursday night. WHOA.

Lord Of The Rings is out!! Lord Of The Rings is out!!!

...not that I saw it, since I have 2 kids. *ahhh*

Well, I've written FOUR TIMES that it's erased over the past few days, and each time, I've had JUST enough time to write, and no more, so alas, there's been nothing. I write now just to have a palce for these pictures... Amber & Gabby got a new puppy (a Toy Fox Terrier- SO CUTE!!) her name is Lily (at least SOMEone's name is Lily!) and I want to eat her. She can sit right in the palm of your hand. (though she'd probably jump) I HAD to get the pictures of her up here- now my days are just FILLED with cuteness- both kids, plus Gabby & Lily... oh, man. It's like chocolate sauce on cheesecake- probably a little too much, but SOOO GOOOD.

We're leaving in the morning to meet Randal's boat- SHIP. Ship. It's not a boat, it's a ship. Ship. To meet his ship. Right. They're docking around here- I'm not sure if it's a good idea to say when or where on the internet, but I KNOW, so hooray!! That's why I had to get the pictures up- I'm taking tomorrow off work to go, and Amber said I could do it on ONE condition: that I get thew pictures up. So, here, Amber!

The pictures are of the kids on the train at the mall, Lily, Tobin pushing a mini-gorcery cart we found at the store and riding a FIRETRUCK!!! (this is the coolest thing EVER. Today.) Oh, and did you guys know if you download these pictures to your computer, you can go to www.shutterfly.com to order prints of them? Pretty cool, eh? That also means anyone in the world can download them and do that, but the copyright people said as soon as something's in print on here, it's copyrighted, so at least if they do, they can't make money off of it. Legally, anyhow. :)

Well, I've got to get some sleep and finish sme last minute stuff before tomorrow- I'm going to spend my first night away from Aiden! I'm nervous, of course, but he'll be near and with Amy, who I completely trust to do the same things I would in a given situation, and who has been around Aiden almsost daily since his birth. I need an adult-night and SLEEEEP! Sleep is great. I've been pumping so he has breastmilk to drink, though. Hooray. Anyhow- off I go. Hope you all are well. :)

quote for the day: "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do well matters very much." Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis

...cont'd

I look forward to the things I have to do each day- see how much Aiden's changed overnight, explain laws of physics to Tobin, talk with Randal, dance with Gabby... not that I paticularly enjoy DDGRs, but I do them accepting that they have to be done, and that they're for the common good. (and my sanity) Ah yes, how wise I am. If only I could apply that to keeping Tobin's socks together...

I am lucky, though. Special, Blessed, whatever. I have a great life. It sucks that Randal is gone, but I have someone to miss, where some have no one at all. Hopefully that stage of our relationship (and his work) is going to pass soon. That reminds me of Grammy (one of the many people I think incredibly highly of) whenever something goes awry (which NEVER happens to Grammy!) she reminds me, "This too, shall pass"

When she was over the other night donating her ornaments, she said she was saving all my journal entries, so that when I am ready to publish it, she'll be ready. I thought, "Now who would want to read a story where nothing goes wrong?" Not that nothing goes unexpectedly- that is different. But nothing is WRONG or lacking in my life. I've thought a few times about just standing on an onramp or something where there are usually hitchhikers, panhandlers or homeless people, and holding a sign that says, "I lack for nothing" or "Smile" or something happy and nonchalant. However, I can't come to a conclusion on a simple phrase that I would say to every driver I pass everyday, aside from "TURN SIGNALS, YOU ASS" but I think that's a bit aside from the point I'd be trying to make.

Well, Tobin is up, and my wise/lucky/blessed/special self gets to get back to life and picking up the cold peas he just threw all over the floor. Ah yes, to be alive. :) 

quote for the day: "Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact." Henry James

Dude.

Seriously. Geez.

I've written three full entries- two today, one yesterday- that my computer has just erased. DUDE. Oh well. At least today I have enough time to write again. Tobin AND Aiden are napping at the same time- something that hasn't happened in days. All three times I wrote, I've written about different things I'd done lately and all that usual stuff, but something struck when I was making toast (yay, Julie cooking!) that I'm going to write about instead.

The thought was this: I know that I am special. Not like "special bus" special, thankyou and certainly not holier-than-thou, either. But set apart. Lucky. Blessed. I think even having that knowledge makes me a little bit different than some, or sadly, most people. I might go as fas as to say I think most of what goes wrong in people starts after they forget that. Some people think I'm great at singing, or writing or mothering or whatever, and that's why I'm so nifty. I love all those things, despite my abilities in them. It has nothing to do with something that I can do, not do, have or not have.

I realized that I know I'm (insert appropriate adjective here) because I see the variety of people in my life I can feel real connection to. There are SO many people who I just love and think are great people that I have such an honor and treasure in knowing. I have such a wealth of talent around me, as well as of wisdom  and friendship and love. The fact that these people choose to share themselves with me- that is what tells me I'm okay- doing something right, blessed, and I try and be grateful for it every day I am alive.

One of the pictures (if/when they let me load them!) is of the 5 generations I have just here in Santa Rosa, taken Sunday at Me-Ma's 100th birthday party. (go, Me-Ma!) The Generations are (from the bottom up) 1) Tobin & Aiden, 2)Myself, 3)My mother, Jan Johnson 4) her mother, Bobbe Kruger and her mother, Viola Madsen. (there's that Danish side) THAT is awesome. I don't know of anyone else who has a working relationship and constant access to their great grandmother. I feel bad for not having visited her more in recent days, but she's fragile and Tobin's a wrecking ball. He's very sweet, but he's a wrecking ball.

My Kinda Fairytale

You might think the title is in reference to the amazingly wonderful marriage and sons that I have, and the fact that I am one of the few people in America that actually like their job AND their boss, but I'm not. Well, not really, anyhow. I just got this e-mail, which I've seen a few times, but thought needed permanent posting on my journal, as it is SO very me, as you will see.

------

Once upon a time  in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, I don't freakin' think so.

------

Ta daaaaa! :) Okay, no more writing for me until Randal leaves (tonight/tomorrow morning... whatever you classify 2:00am as) because I'm going to spend ALL the time I can with him & the boys. More pictures and entries are in order, I promise :)

quote for the day: "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." Anonymous

PS: pictures are coming as soon as the stupid site lets me upload them. I have lots!

any minute

Well it won't let my upload pictures, or I'd be doing that, since I have some new very cute ones. Randal still isn't here if you supersleuths couldn't tell by my complete lack of mentioning him last entry... some lamewad decided he needed to be EVER so sick so Randal had to stay and work for him... poo.

However, my great grandmother's 100th birthday party is tomorrow, and now he gets to be there for that, which he wouldn't have been before. That is something really, really amazing. With the boys there, that will be 5 generations. (YES, for heaven's sake, I'll take pictures- what do you take me for??)

Man... ANY MINUTE Randal will be here. I keep screwing up typing because even my fingers are anxious for him to be here. Amy & Sean were very kind in going to pick him up from the airport- Sean got a new car he LOVES to drive, anyhow/ I think it's a '90 T-bird?

ANY MINUTE. *sigh* Okay. I am being patient. I have BEEN patient. I woke up early this morning and could NOT get back to sleep because of what I call Disneyland Symdrome. It's like when you're 6 years old, and you KNOW you're going to Disneyland the next day and NOTHING ON THE PLANET can make you sleep. Somehow the hours streeeeetch out and mercifully, you finally wake up having slept a bit. ONly now it's like 4:00am, and sleep is a distant memory. You know? I know you do. You were 6. You've been to Disneyland. You've been a victim of DS, too!

ANY MINUTE. I would just like to point out that I am very, very patient, and I am excersizing the laaaaaast bit I have right now trying not to pace around and leap at every sound outside the house. Deeeeep breath. Ugh. This is killing me. Okay. I am going to go. And probably pace around the house and jump at every noise outside the house. I give up. The DS is stronger than I!

quote for the day: "Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. " Rainer Marie Rilke

pictures: Aiden & I in our nifty new carrier-deal,  Tobin traumatizing the fish :)

Crazy the Crosseyed Crapper

That is the name of Amy's newest teammate. I'd try to explain, but you just had to be there. I wish I had pictures, but instead, I have family pictures, which you, too can recieve your copy of, by sending your mailing address to Dreamer417@aol.com . See- easy clicking on the link and everything. :) DO NOT ASSUME I HAVE IT, or that you are getting one unless you are Grammy & Boppa and I've written your address hundreds of times over and over (and over and over) on address forwarding cards. Feel free to e-mail me even if you don't think I'll have enough- I HAVE ENOUGH. The lady at the picture place thought Tobin was so cute, she threw in extras, and I sure as heck don't need 40 of the same picture all over my house. Now it can be yours for the low low price of FREE! Just let me know you want one.

I found Cat in the Hat fabric at the craft store today. (after much hunting!) I'm using it in Tobin's room, which is coming along nicely, even though I haven't been able to do much lately. He *LOVES* Dr. Seuss books- I'm glad the movie is coming out, so it makes finding home decor (ooh la la!) easier. I just wish it made stuff from the rest of the Dr. Seuss books more readily available, but I'll take what I can get. I found some books on DVD which are *awesome* plus, they help with vocabulary development (not that Tobin needs it) and are are creatively stimulating, and Aiden can use them later, too. Sweet.

Man, I'm tired. That's most of the reason I haven't been writing too much lately- I collapsed at 8:00 last night though, so I have a *little* bit of energy at the moment, lucky you guys. :) If anything, our infections give me even MORE stuff to do and keep track of. ACK. I'm not in too much pain, thankfully. I've heard horror stories of breast infections. It's not fun, but he's still nursing well and I wouldn't want to compromise his health for my discomfort- aside from the fact that after the pain I went through for him to be in the first place NOTHING hurts.

For some reason, it's not letting me upload pictures, but I'll put them up here as soon as they let me. Anyhow- I'm going to try and put away some of the laundry that has begun to divide and conquer. I hope you all are well and staying away from the nasty flu going around right now.

quote for the day: "Science is organized thought. Wisdom is organized life." Immanuel Kant

pictures :)

I didn't get a chance to finish my last entry, and I'm not even going to finish it now, so there! I'm going to sleep because the infection Aiden has IS a yeast infection, and so he has Thrush as well (basically a mouth infection) which has given me a breast infection. Fun! However, I took a whole bunch of pictures of the boys yesterday, and they are SO cute, so I wanted to get them up here ASAP for your guys. Man, I love my phone. I'll possibly write more later, depending on if I actually get some much-needed rest right now. Randal's coming home tomorrow night- WOOHOOO!!! :)

quote for the day, "Must...sleep.... must... find... sleep..." -Any mother with more than one child