...cont'd

It it's always hard when he leaves. I had a pretty good day, though-  I know now to just keep busy, which is never really hard. I came home & went straight to work (ugh- not that I don't love my job, but I was TIRED!) and took care of the kids all day ...and then there's the night, when it's quiet and the kids are asleep and I'm left to myself. The sheets always seem an extra special few degrees colder the first night he's gone. I got in and lay still, trying to let the LEAST amount of sheet touch me as possible.

My mind drifted to the night before, when my sheets where actually a tolerable, if not pleasant temperature. We were laying and talking, and I just had to stop and take in... I don't even know. The moment, my life, the fact that the kids were asleep, Randal, the room, everything. It was like a small part of the love I know is everywhere came down and touched me, and for a moment, everything stopped. That is why I married him, and I felt the warmest and safest I'd ever felt with him laying the closest to me that two people could be in our nice warm sheets.

And then, back to reality in my arctic sheets, I got to stare at the wall, wondering why I had to be alone. Ah yes, the eternal balance. I'm okay with it all, though. I know it's perfectly normal and even good to be sad, and I don't have to hide it. I also know that pimping out my sadness would be irritating to others AND myself. It's really hard on your insides when you choose to hang onto your grief just too feel it, and just to feel validated in your inadequacies. I've seen a lot of people use crap that happens to them to cover up things they don't feel like dealing with, and it's just sad. I refuse to be one of those people.

Well, there's enough of Julie-Philosophy for you. Aiden is asleep and Manny finally took Tobin, so I'm going to try and tackle my house. I knew I had to get cleaning when the first thing that popped into my mind when I walked in the door was, "It's aliiiiiive... AAALLIIIIIVE!!!!" So- time to adorn myself in my Domestic Goddess attire (I should start my own line!) and rid my palace of the conquering clutter.

Hiho dustmop, awaaaaay!

quote for the day: "Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is." H. Jackson Browne

PS: There are 1227 hits on this site, and it's 12/27. Cool.