stiiilllll sick. yee-haw.

I chose "quiet" as my mood, since it's the closest translation they had available for gollygoshdarn exhaustified, and that's the G-version. A lot has happened since I last wrote, like a trip to Maryland for Thanksgiving and our first Christmas together as a foursome. One thing has remained constant through it all- the everlasting vomit of doom that I seem to have stumbled upon. The hospital says it's hyper-emesis (read: uber-pukin') which happens in less than 1% of pregnancies- lucky, lucky me. I've tried EVERYTHING. Sea-Bands, (accupressure wristbands) eating crackers & toast (after four months, this gets very, very old) ginger gum, soda & tea, other herbal teas (chammomile, peppermint & pregnancy, among others) soup & about 20 other things I can't think of at the moment, since I'm still deliriously tired from being up with Tobin and his earache for 2 hours last night and oh, I'm manufacturing a perect little human.

Speaking of which, so far we really like the name Annika, which is Scandinavian like both Randal & I, (he's Norwegian, I'm Danish) and means "grace" or "sweetness of face". It's a form of Annie, which was the name of my great-grandmother on my father's side (my 'Nanny', who I actually grew up right next to for the latter half of my life, along with her husband Harry, who we called 'Poppa') and is also the name of a family friend whom I also grew up with and consider one of my many 'other mothers'. :) We like Anya for short, but are still stuck on a middle name. My middle name (Kristine) is also Scandanavian, but I don't like the two "K" sounds right next to each other. Aaaaand there we sit. Any suggestions?

The pictures are mostly from cutting down our tree at the Spirit of Christmas Tree Farm in Sebastopol, where my family has gone to cut down our tree for almost as long as I can remember. My parents opted for the Costco tree with no dropping needles, its own attached lights and enormous carrying case this year, so it was only right we took over! The other pictures are of a couple days later when my cousin Kimberly was visiting with her husband Steve & kids, Ashley, Dylan and Jenna from Arizona. We took them to Howarth Park and let them run, which is always appreciated by both parents and children alike. She had some awesome photos with her much better camera from that day I should try and get from her, too.

It stinks that they live so far, since she homeschools her kids (which I am starting with Tobin next week, but I'll get to that) and is a young, stay-at-home mom of three, which I am soon to be. They used to live in Sacramento for a number of years, as did my only other two cousins (my dad's sister Gail's son Ricky & daughter Stephanie) but moved for Steve's job and Jenna's asthma. They are doing really well and enjoying the non-crazymaking housing costs and drier air.

Another new development is that Randal has been hired at Kendall Jackson Winery (www.kj.com) as one of their 15 on-call chefs, which is quite an accomplishment- he starts during the start of their peak season in February. I'm excited for his skill and creativity to have a place to be appreciated, especially since I haven't been able to much lately. Over the Holidays, he was working a second job at Oliver's PT as a Baker/Cake Decorater, but has finally ended the position there (well, I think technically he's still on call there since they couldn't bear to see him actually go- figures!) which means he has just the one job working as a cook in the Coast Guard, with a two-on, two-off, two on, three off schedule. Kind of confusing, but the two long  days (and I mean LONG- he leaves between 3am-4am and gets home usually around 7pm, although every other workday is a half-day, where he gets home around 3pm instead) pay off with the days off in between, where we actually get to see each other in the light of day, and even spend time together as a family, since Tobin is now out of public school and starting homeschool, a subject I will now explain.

Basically, Tobin (being Tobin and absorbing and retaining information like the supersponge he's always been) was bored in school and acting out physically, which landed him in the principal's office four times within the first four months. Tobin is NOT the one I thought I'd be hearing home about, especially not  by his second week of Kindergarten! It was also many other components, like the way his teacher dealt with discipline (which I was privy to, volunteering in his class weekly) and telling kids to "grow up!" repeatedly. She also crumbled up his painting in front of him, telling him it was trash because he didn't paint it at the right time and a number of other things I don't need to snowball into- we spoke with the principal a number of times about switching classes and to her directly about other methods of dealing with his acting out, but to no avail. He came home almost daily saying "I don't like school", "I'm not learning anything!" and "Mommy, I need to be doing more things with... what's that word with 'create' and 'tivity' at the end?". 

I gave it a couple of weeks, then months to wear off and settle in- perhaps with a different child, I would think he was just having trouble adjusting (which is still true to a point) but Tobin has always, always been incredible in his ability to truthfully asses himself and his surroundings verbally and I feel it is my job to listen to him. ...hence, I will homeschool him for the rest of the year until we get our financial aid secured for him to enter Waldorf school for first grade. Besides, with Randal gone most mornings and me with rabid morning sickness, it's very, very hard to get myself and both boys up, dressed and fed by 8:15, especially if I've been up sick half the night before.

The boys were fighting a lot (which apparently is about 3/4 of what brothers do for the first decade or so. Jeez!) during the time Tobin was in school as well, and since Winter break (which is when we pulled him, since it was a natural breaking point, anyhow) I have noticed them communicating much better and playing more cooperative games together, some of which include 'dinosaurs', 'dragons' and 'crocodile hunter'- which made Steve Irwin's untimely passing on Labor Day (a freak accident with a bull ray barb to the heart, in case somehow you missed it) even more saddening. I feel so awful for Terri & their two children, Bindi & Bob- but back to my own living family!

Most of the games Aiden plays are "bammin' games" and involve Daddy and bedpillows. (since we've had to instate a rule about using couch and throw pillows- they were starting to look like a bunch of saggy peanuts!) Tobin is into mysitcal folklore, which I think is fabulous. This made their first viewing of  'The Chronicles of Narnia' extra-wonderous. (of course, Aiden had to ask, "Is there bammin"?" before he would sit down for it, but still...) Tobin has also kindled a love for Legos, which made receiving Randal's unparallel decade-long collection for Christmas the. best. thing. ever. in his book- and in Randal's too, since he has full license to play- I mean, uh... "assist" Tobin in constructing with them again. ;) There is a great picture in there of them playing together over a FULL table (which was not even 1/5 his massive collection) of Legos in Maryland, where we spent a full rainy afternoon sorting them by people, color & set. Holy, holy cow. That was love, right there.

We also got to see the Natural History Museum in Washington, D. C. when we were back East, which was hands down the BEST museum I've ever been to- and what's more, it's FREE! I couldn't believe it- I can't even fathom how much it would cost if it were in San Francisco- at least $20 a person or so. We also visited the National Air & Space Museum, where I thought Tobin's eyes were going to pop out of his head at the right of REAL airplanes & rockets. I'm still stuck on the Natural History one, though. They had dinosaurs (which I don't ever recall seeing before!) which was especially great since both boys are very into them right now. Unfortunately, the lighting inside was awful and only a single picture turned out. (Tobin and I checking out a light/color demonstration)

They had a part with all sorts of stuffed animals (not, mind you, ones you'd like to cuddle up to at night) from around the globe and one with all kinds of natural minerals and crystals, not the least of which included the Hope Diamond (one of the few other pictures that turned out, though I daresay it does it NO justice whatsoever) and some really amazing pieces of jewelry & gemstones, which I have a newfound appreciation for now that I've gone through jewelry boot camp having managed the counter at Gottschalks last year. It was a wonderful time to spend with family we don't get to see very often- everyone had a lot of fun, even though it was FREEEEZING, as it always seems to be when we arrive. They assure me it does get warm there, but I'm not sure I believe it. The few other pictures from Maryland are of Colleen and Aiden playing CandyLand (in his camo-skateboard jammies!) and of the boys painting pictures in Grandma Linda's living room.

Whew! I haven't written this much in awhile! It helps that Randal's two days off were the last two days, which he just spent around the house, getting things done here & there, including taking down all of our Christmas decorations, rearranging the living room and cleaning the rest of the house. I usually take the time to clean, do dishes & laundry and the rest of it when Randal is working and take days off when he does, but when I'm sick, as I have been, it's really nice to have help, especially with the vacuuming, which hurts my lower back quite a bit these days and making Tobin's top bunk, which is a bit of an acrobatic feat, much hindered by my blossoming belly. You can see what of it there is a little bit in the last picture with Kimberly & I, but since I'm stiiiiiill sick, I haven't been much for weight gain.

I feel terrible, too, because Randal is the most amazing chef and baker I have ever encountered and half of the time the mere presence of food on my tongue is enough to make whatever I have managed to get down make an encore. It hurt his feelings the first couple of times I went to taste it and spit it out directly in the garbage, but by now he's accepted that it's not his cooking, it's just food in general. Fun. I've at least enjoyed two stretches of non-illness, one lasting 9 days and the other a whopping 13. Lucky number, my tookus! Ah well. Three more months at the most.

Which brings me nicely back to baby... they've tried and perscribed a number or medicines at the Birthing Center, none of which have had much effect and all of which I am uncomfortable taking, since I don't even take pills when I'm NOT pregnant. I don't think that supressing the symptoms with man-made chemical compounds is the answer- I believe in treating the source Holisitcally with naturally occuring elements, so that the symptoms stop happening in the first place. The birthing center has told me that if I choose to treat myself herbally or homeopathically myself, for insurance purposes I have to have the baby in a hospital, since it wouldn't be treatment they officially perscribed and couldn't be held responsible if complications were to arise. However, if I take their pills and suppositories, I can have the baby there, which boils down to: If I pop pills for the next three months (or choose not to take canything at all and resign to being miserable) then I can have the baby naturally at the birthing center, or if I treat myself (doing NOTHING I haven't fully researched as safe during pregnancy, of course!) herbally/homeopathically/naturally, I have to have the baby in a hosptial. Did I lose something here?

... which brings me to the idea of a homebirth. Since I've already had both children naturally, that part of it isn't an issue for me. Not, mind you, that I paticularly care for willingly submitting myself to mindblowing pain, but that it is more important to me that my newborn's first impression of the world is calm, natural and filled with "normal" surroundings, not white, metal, covered faces & hair, drugs and bright lights. No offense to many of those who chose the hospital birth- I found myself considering an epidural for a short while, but all in all, I feel as if I did it twice, I can do it once more and never, ever do it ever again.

I have found a midwife who does home waterbirths, which would be SO great! I had Tobin in water and it was MUCH preffered to hanging halfway off a bed, screaming, a grandmother at each side, a la Aiden. I am also looking for a Doula, who is essentially a source of encouragement and guidance both for the laboring mother as well as anyone else who might be around to help, including but not limited to an overwhelmed father-to-be. :) Handy, since this will be Randal's first birth experience, though this is my third.

The thought of not having to travel while in labor (which was simply awful and one of my least favorite parts) and having my shower, enormous bathtub, fridge and bed all at my disposal sounds simply wonderful. I also like the idea because that is the way women have had children for hundreds and hundreds of years, and in a way I feel it connects me to all of them in a rite of passage of sorts.

Well, I think my eyes are going to go numb if I type much more and you're probably feeling the same about yours! :) I'm glad to have had a minute (or more!) to spend giving you all the latest- I hope this finds you well and having enjoyed the calm after the storm that is the holidays. As always, I welcome your comments and would love to hear how you are and any name suggestions to go with Annika/Anya, too!

love and a faerie happy new year to you...

quote for the day: "Then, without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful. Whoever doesn't know it must learn and find by experience that a quiet conscience makes one strong." Anne Frank

...and one other, one that I love and think is an important one to read as we come into the new year and think about our lives- it is often credited to Nelson Mandela since he used it in his 1994 inaugural speech, but actually written by Marianne Williamson in her book, A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child ofGod.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."