So all of this, and I forgot to mention that Randal came. His mom and sisters did too, but our paths never crossed. It was... I don't know. Akward, for sure. We've been apart for months on end before, but always, always at the end was the long hug and the happy tears and time to look forward to afterwards.

This time, I opened the door with Aiden on my hip and we all just stood there, staring. Randal couldn't take his eyes off of Aiden, and I couldn't take my eyes off of Randal. We said our hellos, and I proceeded to try to associate the two of them and disassociate myself from all of the habits and words I felt tumbling forward inside me. They spent some good time together, and Randal and I hugged once before he left for good. I know from the knot I felt in me then and the one I feel now that there isn't any closure for me... I feel the repercussions of my past choices in who to associate with and trust so deeply these days. It's something I talk about almost every week with my therapist. It's really, really difficult.

There is something else weighing on my heart, aside from all of the obvious possibilities. I've found and lost yet another love... someone incredibly sexy, talented and poetic. (not to mention rich!) No, I am not talking about Randal. :) It's Robert Plant, and there is forever a pit in my stomach from the fact that he's not 25 anymore. WHY universe, oh WHY?!?

Even my teachers in high school said I belonged in the 70s. The mindframe, music and mojo from 65-75 are my favorite and he was there and rockin' it and I was NOWHERE! I can't BELIEVE there was a time where there was a hotel you could simply walk into and party like rockstars with rockstars. Hel-LO? Was I a procrastinator even pre-life? Ahhh, what a cozy womb. I can't wait to get out, stretch my limbs and revel in love, peace and hippy grease. +Whoa! Here comes the light!  I hear music! Ahhh, rock revolution, here I come. Wait a minute. Those are synthentic drums! I smell Aquanet. Is that nurse wearing blue eye makeup? Nnnnnnnooooooooo!! I knew I should have left earlier... put me back IN, damn you!!

Alas and alack, here I am and there Robert Plant is, all 50whatever years of him. *le sigh* So what does a girl do in the face all these bills, no money, no companion and the reality of never having of the possiblity of wooing herself backstage at a Led Zeppelinconcert? Well I have grandparents to help hold off the first part(thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou) and kids to occupy me enough of the time so that it only hurts a little when I hear D'yer Ma'ker.

They are both doing well, and behaving as I've always been told brothers do. Tobin is doing incredibly well with potty training, and Aiden is climbing up everything he can (barely) reach. He can also skateboard as far as someone will push him, even down a driveway, without losing his balance. I tried ollying (uh, essentially jumping with the skateboard) about 100 times the other day and did it about as high as a Ritz cracker exactly three times. I hurt every muscle in my body, but Tobin said, "UHHH, Mommy!!!" (which is a good thing) and made it all worthwhile.

I just loaded some new pictures onto the computer, so I'll get them up as soon as possible. For now, I've got to get them up from their nap, as it's already part when I'd like them to be up. Ah well. Small sacrifices, I guess. I'll try and keep you guys updated here when I have the time and energy. I hope you all are well.

HAPPY BELATED EARTH DAY! :)

quote for the day: "Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow." Thornton Wilder

... well, after work, after a month... whichever comes first. :) Sorry for the delay in writing, but there is no way for me to fill in all of the craziness that has happened since then. To summarize, I'd say life has kept itself at semi-crisis level this entire time. So... where I left off is with Tara, who drove to the hopital and slit her wrists several times on each side and then followed with her neck in her car. She woke up and walked herself into the ER, and after a couple of days in ICU was trasfered to the Psych Ward for about a week, and then left to her grandmother's (near her mother's house) in Utah. Criminy.

The next weekend, to get away from the craziness at home, I take the boys to Grammy & Boppas for Easter, which was lovely. I almost didn't get to go since I had a negative balance in my bank account from having to cover Jobbie's rent at the beginning of the month. I had been waiting all day for Jobbie to get home, since he said he'd have my money by 2, so I could leave when the kids' naptime was, and -long story short again- he didn't have my money, so we waited until SIX, which is when the boys ended up taking their nap... GREAT. And I had to get $100 from my mom (thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou) and drive in the dark, which I had also hoped to avoid. However, we got there, and around midnight when I got the kids down, I was *finally* able to relax a bit.

The weekend was fun- we played on the beach & Boppa mined crystals for Porky & I off of the huge beach boulders. Pretty!! We had crab for Easter dinner, which was really good. They have a little crab shack down the street from their house we try and make it to at least once each time we go up. There's also my FAVORITE store, Plaza Design that I have to go into as well, if only just to breathe in all the yummy candles and couches. (Amber, you LOVE this store) I wish there was a website, but trust me- it's SO awesome. The owner's name is Julie, too. Sweeet.

So I come home from our lovely escape to find Jobbie threw a party at the house where someone PEED on the loveseat in my bedroom (that's right. Someone took a goddamn piss ON THE FURNITURE in my bedroom. And there's a bathroom a mere 4 feet over! AAAUUUGHHH!!!!!!!) Even worse, it was on a $50 piece of red velvet, which I found crumpled in a heap, and of course, saturated in urine. THAAAAAAT'S  f*@#ing fabulous. And where is Jobbie, who has yet to pay rent, though it's the 26th? The world may never know. Not only does he not show up again before the NEXT time rent is due, but he never shows up EVER. (feeeeel the heatedness seeping through the computer)

I ran into him (finally, the damn jackass) in a parking lot downtown and I let him know in no uncertain terms the financial state I'm in because of him, and how I feel about it. I have had to use my child support money (which is pretty much all I have since I only work PT 2x a week) to cover Jobbie's rent & utilities TWICE, and he evaporated. OHHHH hohoho yes. I've also forgotten to mention to phonecall to Italy someone made that cost $1100. I know the number is Alan's... who is Tara's ex-boyfriend of 5 years and Jobbie's childhood friend. Of course neither of them did it, according to them. So. Here I am with a $1300 phonebill that I have to pay with my lack of a job, starting with a negative bank account since I had to cover for my slacker roommates. Yeah. With friends like these, my enemies can have me!

So what else, now? Oh yes. So I've been slowly paying my friend/roomie Steve's dad to fix the body damage under the table (or pay the $6500 the auto body place quoted- no thank you!) and so I haven't been driving it for the past couple of months while he fixes it at his house. Well, lack of driving it I suppose lead to lack of registering it... I just didn't have the money. So long story short of THAT- it got towed for registration and had to be stored for a week before my dad (thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou) got it out for me, which ended up being almost $700 in storage fees, nevermind paying the registration and OH! yes, the ticket I didn't know I had that made my driver's license suspended for the last 6 months. (whew!) Wonderful. Well, my dad is, anyhow. :) *sigh*

As an added bonus, my annual Pap came back abnormal, and I had to all SORTS of fun little tests and samples taken that cost me even MORE money, since all I have is Medi-Cal. It wasn't the expense as much as the worry and discomfort of it, though. But it's over, and (most likely) fine.

Whew.

Craziness

Life never ceases to amaze me. I've been so caught up in it this past week or so, I haven't hardly even had the time to process it. Since I'm merely biding my time before Aiden wakes up, I'll try and give you guys a general overview.

First, last weekend I was a runway model for the first time, and it was SO fun. MY old roommate and one of my favorite people and closes friends, Casey Sue has finally launched her own line of clothing, and the weekend of the 5th was her first official show, which I had the opportunity and the pleasure of being in. You can check out the photos and clothes at www.CaseySueDesigns.com . I'm in a khaki dress, and don't forget to check out my hair, which I lovingly refer to as the ever-so-Paris Mull-Hawk. Oh yes.

So I get home from my fantabulous weekend as a fashonista to a messy house, which I immediately dive in a start cleaning. After a few hours, I FINALLY sit down for a break, and no less than 5 minutes later,  Steve calls and says, "Um, I think I need to go to the hospital. " It turns out that there was a little kid on a bike in the skatepark (not allowed, for this specific reason) wasn't paying attention, and hit Steve dead on in the knee, essentialy scraping everything off of the bone and leaving a lovely little skin flap slightly larger than a golf ball, and about as thick. Gross. After two hours in the first ER (that's right, I said first one) they tell us it will be at least another4-5 hours, and they can't even give him a damn tylenol while he's oozing blood onto their white floor. Nice. My friend Kyle also comes in at this point with a group of people, and I learn later that night that his mother was thrown from a horse, hit her head on the pavement and never woke up. Crazy.

We decide to let them deal with Kyle's mom & family and the other roomful of people in the waiting room, and try somewhere else. We pull up to the next placewhich didn't let us in because it took too long to wheel him in, and we got there three minutes past admitting time. GRR. So the THIRD ER we go to we *finally* get some damn help, and after 7 hours and around 30 stitches (including 9 deep-tissue stitches.. *shudder*) later, I'm finally, finally on my way to some rest.

So two days after that, I get a call in the morning from Erin, Tara's sister and my good friend. She's crying, which isn't that much of an alarm, since both sisters cryat various and seemingly trivial things at times. She continues telling me how stressed she is, and I listen dutifully, offering advice and an ear as necessary. Then she says something about a knife and Tara.... oooh Aiden just woke up. Wow. I'll have to come back to the climax aftwer work, sorry. :)

... cont'd

So. Just to summarize: I'm flat broke, with a dead battery, semi-out of gas with two little boys- one mercifully sleeping, but only if I can keep the other one (currently screaming) from waking him up, while managing to somehow stay warm and dry and not think about the fact that my stomach is yelling about as loud as he is, since I haven't eaten yet today, either.

I pull him up from the ground to me and we sit under a ledge. Half of me feels like diving right in there with him sobbing in the rain, but my melodramameter starts buzzing- oh wait, that's me shivering because it's DAMN ARCTIC all of a sudden, and all I've got on is jeans, a t-shirt and some fresh boogers and tears. At least they were warm. Jeez. Now I know I'm a mom.

So I pull us into the car, and try to invent quiet, front-seat only games for the next hour. Luckily, my profession leads me to have as extensive training and preparation for this. This holds us for about 45 minutes. After an hour, I finally start dissecting the car for loose change, resolute to find a payphone somewhere. It turns out not many people walk by the bank on a day when it's closed and there's sudden torrential downpour. Imagine that. I know there are payphones a block up, and, not knowing anything else to do and no longer content to just hope someone might actually show up, I tell Tobin not to open the doors for ANYone and I'll let him drive for a little while, while Mommy comes RIGHT back.

"But if you leave, I will be all lonely! That's not very good!" he says. I know he's right, but there's not a single other thing I know to do at this point but stand at that payphone and dial every number I can remember collect until someone answers. Luckily, I also found Tobin's frog umbrella in the backseat, so I try to fit as much of my body as possible under and into it, kiss Tobin, shut the door and start running like a crazy woman. (carefully, mind you, since the pavement is nice and slick) Most of you are probably aware of my feelings towards coldness and water and the combination of the two. Not happy.

But, halfway up the block, I find a couple hovering with coffee under a ledge. I tell them my situation, and he says he has AAA, and he'll give them a call. Happy Happy Joy Joy, Happy Happy Joy Joy! I don't know if my face was wet from tears or rain at that point, but I am pretty sure I saw the clouds open up, a beam oflight gently caress his head and little trumpeting angels float down from the sky and circle, like when Sylvester gets hit with an anvil. I decide not to tell him what I saw, since some people get squirmy if you tell them there are little beings flitting about their head playing the Hallelujah Chorus. Instead, I thank him profusely and go to wait in the car with Tobin, who has miraculously damaged nothing in my absence. Perhaps a stray angel from AAA Guy ran over and cleaned the whole thing before I got there, because I'm pretty sure it couldn't have happened otherwise.

Thirty minutes or so later (we're 2 1/2 hours into this, now) the tow truck comes. (this must have been where the stray angel called for backup)First, he tells me it's the gas, then the battery, then the starter. Turns out it was a little of all three. A nice little combo pack of lovliness for me. *BUT* eventually, he started it and I was on my way, three hours into it. Snappy.

I got home, got Tobin down and brought Aiden directly to Sthstheee! since that's his first word every time we walk through the front door, anyhow. I go upstairs to find my roommates watching a movie. Juuuust chillin', nice and warm, eating popcorn, hanging out. Trying my hardest to smother my dagger-shooting fire-breathing powers, I gently explain my ever-lasting loathing for each of their black and twisted souls for not answering the phone or checking the machine the times I called. Then I  go in my room, shut the door, and collapse into a heap. If I didn't think tobacco was a direct link between man and eeeevil, this is the part where I would need a cigarette. Instead, I made some tea and proceeded to stare at the wall, warm like I'd wanted to be all along.

quote for the day: ""He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough." Lao-Tzu

...brought to you by the letter 'E'

Well, first and most importantly, I'M LISTENING TO NEW TORI, I'M LISTENING TO NEW TORIII!! Her new album is called 'The Beekeeper', (I wonder if she read The Secret Life of Bees, too. That book is great.) and it came out yesterday! Her new single is called "Sleeps With Butterfiles" and it's kind of a bit more laid back than her last album (well, her last was a best-of, gumblegrumble) and, of course, I *LOVE* it. It has more guitars and other instruments which is kind of cool, since she's usually pretty piano/organ/harpsicordish. Some of her albums I really had to sit with for awhile or even let sit for awhile and come back to before I realized I *LOVED* it, but this one like Scarlet's Walk, Little Earthquakes & To Venus & Back. Okay, so now you want to know, and you can go to www.toriamos.com to find out more. Oh yes, and there's also her new book, Piece By Piece by Ann... something. Powers? Crap. Anyhow- there's more info about it there too, I'm sure. I don't happen to have it yet, either. Not that I'm hinting. (hint hint)

Yes, so about the letter E.

So it's Monday, I'm in the car with the kids, making a deposit at the ATM before going to get gas and go home for the most important and cherished part of every mother's day... naptime. I left my cellphone at home because it's currently dead and  I'm convinced that I'll be snappy at the ATM. So convinced that I leave the car running, also cleverly avoiding a parking ticket (forgetting it's a holdiay) since I have minimal change- and remember, I'm being snappy. I complete my transaction snappily as predicted and turn around to hear chug..chug..chug.... then silence from the engine. Okay, fine. It's not warmed up enough. I stick the card & receipt in my pocket and sit in the car to check out the situation, and there it was. The letter E. Damn.

So. Two kids, $3, a gas can and a car that does me no good. Time for a little stroll, thank GOODNESS I got the stroller out of the Intrepid. (remembering now, that I'm driving the Jeep, which runs out of gas at 1/4 of a tank) I plop the kids in the stroller and cruise down the street to the nearest gas station, figuring this is life's way of getting me to take a walk in the sun with my kids. I park my stroller in the line of cars and wait my turn, get gas (with help from a kind elderly man) and start on my journey back.

I'm walking along the street, and my friend Leo (who I'd lost track of long ago) pulls up alongside me. We talk for a minute, then decide he should meet me at the house in a few minutes after I get the gas in and kids down so we can visit properly. He takes off, and I finish walking back to the car.

So.... I get the gas and the kids into the car, slide into the seat, relieved that it was such a minimal ordeal and happy to have taken a nice walk in the sun with the kids and run into Leo. I put the key in the ignition and turn. The engine yawns and fumbles around and goes back to sleep. No, no, Jeep. Niiiiice Jeep. I give it a minute, pump the gas, and try starting it from neutral. Another sleepy attempt. Nonono... it's time to wake UP! Wake UP, you car! I get out and rock it, hoping it might stir the gas around in the tank (hey, sometimes that works) and try again. Another lazy protest. They sky and my mood are getting a bit cloudy at this point, and Aiden is already shifting between punchy and overtired.Ugh.

About 20 minutes later, a nice couple in a BMW stops and I ask the overprimped, frizzy haired wife is they have a cellphone I can use. She directs me to her husband in the car. I call my house, since I know Leo will be there soon if he's not already, and I'm pretty sure my roomates are home. Please oh please oh please answer... nothing. I leave a semi-pleasant S.O.S. on the machine, hang up and call my dad's cellphone. Please oh please oh please answer... nothing. I again leave a semi-pleasant S.O.S. on his voicemail, hang up and call his shop. Please oh please oh please answer... "Car Doctor, can I help you?" Haaaaallelujah! A human! ... that proceeds to scold me for running out of gas and give me a list of things I shouldn't have done. I'll kill you, and your little dog, too, dammit. Shut up and HELP already! He says he'll tell my dad that I'm stuck and where. Whew.

Aiden is exhuasted at this point, since we've been in the same spot for over an hour. He starts crying which stresses Tobin out, so I try and find something to entertain Aiden with, and let Tobin play on the sidewalk away from Aiden's ever fervent wailing.Where is my dad? Where is Leo? Where are my roommates? The crying is escalating, and so isthe tension in between my eyes. I find a sippycup Thank GOD and give it to Aiden, who mercifully falls asleep within a few minutes.

Thinking (read: hoping, pleading to God, wishing with all my might) that maybe the battery and gas had come to some allegiance to help me out, I again try the key. Nothing. Not a damn thing. No click, no lazy protest, no sign that the car even acknowledges the presence of myself or the key. AAAAUUUGGHHH!!! Of course, at this point, Tobin falls down on the concrete and is screaming, and so I get out of the car to notice that A) it had gotten FREEZING and windy in the past 10 minutes and B) it was starting to rain. Special.

 

 

Okay, here we go again. I have another free minute or ten, if I'm lucky. Yesterday, Aiden wasn't awake yet when I had to go to work, so Steve, one of my roomates (who Aiden *adores*) said he'd listen for him until I got Gabby and Tobin (from Manny) and was able to come back. Translation: I got 15 entire minutes to myself, unobstructed by housework, e-mail or cellphone on the way to work. As an additional bonus, the Intrepid is out of commision because the fan is broken (that's not the good part) which means I get to drive my dad's Jeep Wagoneer, which is ubercool in my book. I feel so much more at home driving something like that or an old truck than a new zip-de-do-da little schnazzmobile. You know?

I just finished putting some pictures up from when Steve and I took the kids to Howarth Park this last week. It was only about 5 minutes out of the car when Aiden fell on his face on the pavement, and about another one and a half before he was back up and reaching for the skateboard, his first love. He can say "Hot!" which was also Tobin's first word (did I already write that?) and (is there a way to convey severe disgruntlement in writing? because I'd like to do it here) *ahem*... yes, so the second word Aiden can say is (gruntlegruntlygruntle) "Steve". Yeah. Feeeeel the love. For Steve. Did I mention disgruntelement?

Okay, so it sounds like "Sthsthstheee!" (you have to say with a lot of lube in your cheek if you really want to get it right) but still. I suppose I understand the draw of someone who can do "gnarly kickflips!" (or "nahly KICKflips, Mommy!! as Tobin would say) over someone who feeds, changes, clothes, entertains, educates, provides medical, dental and all transportational needs for the next eighteen (or so) years. What am I saying? I need to learn to skateboard again.

Tobin is growing up so quickly... I can already see him turning into a four year old, and he's barely three. It's like he wakes up in the morning more handsome and intelligent every morning. Well, almost every morning. Sometimes he just wakes up crying and covered in pee and that's okay, too. (although definitely not preffered) He and Gabby make up their own little worlds when they play together, and it's so wonderful to watch them and remember what it was like to just imagine something and have it be... where the entire reality of the situation is altered because they're so submerged in the world they've created. Well, I supposed I know some adults like that, but it's considerably less innocent and inspiring, if not the complete opposite.

I've still got to look into uploading video on there- I"m not sure if they're set up for animation or not. I've got some really cute footage on my phone of the kids. I took them camping this weekend, which was a bit chilly, but that's why we love California! Camping in February. Hell yes. It was beautiful and hardly anyone was out because of the Superbowl. I think my Sunday was MUCH better spent throwing rocks into the river with Tobin for two hours than staring at the tube eating chips. If the Niners ever get their grits, maybe I'll feel a bit differently.

Anyhow- I'm going to spend some more time cleaning and possibly even bathing (now that might be pushing it) while I still have some time. I hope you guys enjoy the pictures- I'll be putting more up as soon as I have them.

quote(s) for the day: "You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing.  What!  Is it nothing to be happy?  Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long?  Never in his life will he be so busy again."  Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762

Boy, n.:  a noise with dirt on it.  ~Not Your Average Dictionary

 

Newness

My creative writing teacher in high school always said to just write anything that comes to mind for ten minutes before trying to write anything constructive. I guess this is sort of my version of that, since I've been staring at the screen for some time now. It's so hard to know where to start when I feel so in the middle all of the time, never at the beginning or end. I guess that's where we're supposed to be though, right? Because if we're not in the middle, then we're ahead of or behind ourselves, neither of which I think is very good. Man, I can't believe I'm actually writing in my journal again.

I've made a resolution to myself as of late (loosely related to a New Year's resolution, I suppose, but I'm running to catch up with even the dates at this point) to try and write more... a few times a week, at least. My therapist says its good for me, and I know she's right. It's so hard, though... I find it incredbly hard to put myself back out here, where there are people who can read the context of my heart and mind who have hurt me very deeply. I rarely find it hard to forgive, but I do find it difficult to erase the imprint left on my insides. I have pulled back in most areas of my life to maintain working two nanny jobs and making sure my children (and myself) are nurtured in every way.

Aiden is walking, which is still a very recent development. Lucky for you guys, that new development comes along with my new videophone, which is a new development in my life that I LOVE. (I think it requires quicktime or something to view, though- let me know!) This little "development" is thanks to the little house fairy Aiden must have given my old cellphone to in the 10 seconds I wasn't looking at him right before I was out the door for work two weeks ago. He is SUCH a little boy. He will get into ANYthing I leave anywhere, especially if it has sugar in it. I found this out around Christmas, when we had hidden some Hershey's kisses in a drawer in the coffee table and Aiden figured out how to open the drawer, pop one in his mouth and close them both as if nothing had happened. Stinker!

Tobin is, of course, as handsome, intelligent and sweet as ever. Of course, there's always the attention competition with Aiden, which is inevitable with siblings, and hard on everyone. Tobin is potty training now, (yiippeeee!!!!) and he's doing alright- he's wearing Pull Ups daily, (diapers during naps) and mostly, they're staying dry, except for #2s, dagnabit. When he goes, we sing conga-line style (a-peepee-in-the-pot-TY! a-peepee-in-the-pot-TY!) to the cupboard for a supriiiiiiiize! (mostly, I can get away with giving him a vitamin or a raspberry chewable eccinacea supplement- delicious AND nutritious!) Yes, yes... this affirms my hippiness has remained intact.

As for me- I've begun drums lessons (Djembe, not a kit) which I really find a lot of joy in, and have a natural talent for. At least all of those 6am choir classes counting all those bizzarre rhythms over and over (and over and over) are going to some good in my adult life. I've felt really moved to make music recently as well- I'm not sure with my voice or drum of both (or neither) yet but I'm trying to not be so shy about doing whatever it is in front of people.

I'm not sure what my hang up is... maybe making music is something too close my my heart for me to just proclaim to strangers. But I suppose when I die, I'd rather have sung my soul as beautifully as possible to closed ears than to have kept my insights and illusions to myself and never have tried. It's scary, though. For some reason. I don't know... hopefully I'll be able to move past it in the next little chunk of time.

So... here we are. my first entry in for damn ever. I did it! Now I just have to figure out how to upload from my new videophone. Anyhow- I hope you all are well, and I'm really going to try and make an effort to keep this updated more often- amazingly enough, (to me, anyhow) a lot of people inquired when I stopped writing so much. I can't believe so many people around and about read this silly thing! I never thought my random ramblings would hold interest for anyone but myself... I guess it goes to show you never know. Well, I better get back to life, laundry and the persuit of chocolate. :)

Quote for the day, (one of my favorites, and slightly New Year-esque) "You must be the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi

PS: I'm also trying out a new site through AOHell that allows  me to send out one e-mail to all of you (that so desire) each time I update my journal. I have sent a few of you invitations either a while ago or within the last day- if you'd like to receive one and haven't, please let me know. It's an invite-only list at the moment, though I may make it public later when I feel more comfortable sharing with the general public, or, you know, when I get around to it. :)