... cont'd

So. Just to summarize: I'm flat broke, with a dead battery, semi-out of gas with two little boys- one mercifully sleeping, but only if I can keep the other one (currently screaming) from waking him up, while managing to somehow stay warm and dry and not think about the fact that my stomach is yelling about as loud as he is, since I haven't eaten yet today, either.

I pull him up from the ground to me and we sit under a ledge. Half of me feels like diving right in there with him sobbing in the rain, but my melodramameter starts buzzing- oh wait, that's me shivering because it's DAMN ARCTIC all of a sudden, and all I've got on is jeans, a t-shirt and some fresh boogers and tears. At least they were warm. Jeez. Now I know I'm a mom.

So I pull us into the car, and try to invent quiet, front-seat only games for the next hour. Luckily, my profession leads me to have as extensive training and preparation for this. This holds us for about 45 minutes. After an hour, I finally start dissecting the car for loose change, resolute to find a payphone somewhere. It turns out not many people walk by the bank on a day when it's closed and there's sudden torrential downpour. Imagine that. I know there are payphones a block up, and, not knowing anything else to do and no longer content to just hope someone might actually show up, I tell Tobin not to open the doors for ANYone and I'll let him drive for a little while, while Mommy comes RIGHT back.

"But if you leave, I will be all lonely! That's not very good!" he says. I know he's right, but there's not a single other thing I know to do at this point but stand at that payphone and dial every number I can remember collect until someone answers. Luckily, I also found Tobin's frog umbrella in the backseat, so I try to fit as much of my body as possible under and into it, kiss Tobin, shut the door and start running like a crazy woman. (carefully, mind you, since the pavement is nice and slick) Most of you are probably aware of my feelings towards coldness and water and the combination of the two. Not happy.

But, halfway up the block, I find a couple hovering with coffee under a ledge. I tell them my situation, and he says he has AAA, and he'll give them a call. Happy Happy Joy Joy, Happy Happy Joy Joy! I don't know if my face was wet from tears or rain at that point, but I am pretty sure I saw the clouds open up, a beam oflight gently caress his head and little trumpeting angels float down from the sky and circle, like when Sylvester gets hit with an anvil. I decide not to tell him what I saw, since some people get squirmy if you tell them there are little beings flitting about their head playing the Hallelujah Chorus. Instead, I thank him profusely and go to wait in the car with Tobin, who has miraculously damaged nothing in my absence. Perhaps a stray angel from AAA Guy ran over and cleaned the whole thing before I got there, because I'm pretty sure it couldn't have happened otherwise.

Thirty minutes or so later (we're 2 1/2 hours into this, now) the tow truck comes. (this must have been where the stray angel called for backup)First, he tells me it's the gas, then the battery, then the starter. Turns out it was a little of all three. A nice little combo pack of lovliness for me. *BUT* eventually, he started it and I was on my way, three hours into it. Snappy.

I got home, got Tobin down and brought Aiden directly to Sthstheee! since that's his first word every time we walk through the front door, anyhow. I go upstairs to find my roommates watching a movie. Juuuust chillin', nice and warm, eating popcorn, hanging out. Trying my hardest to smother my dagger-shooting fire-breathing powers, I gently explain my ever-lasting loathing for each of their black and twisted souls for not answering the phone or checking the machine the times I called. Then I  go in my room, shut the door, and collapse into a heap. If I didn't think tobacco was a direct link between man and eeeevil, this is the part where I would need a cigarette. Instead, I made some tea and proceeded to stare at the wall, warm like I'd wanted to be all along.

quote for the day: ""He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough." Lao-Tzu

...brought to you by the letter 'E'

Well, first and most importantly, I'M LISTENING TO NEW TORI, I'M LISTENING TO NEW TORIII!! Her new album is called 'The Beekeeper', (I wonder if she read The Secret Life of Bees, too. That book is great.) and it came out yesterday! Her new single is called "Sleeps With Butterfiles" and it's kind of a bit more laid back than her last album (well, her last was a best-of, gumblegrumble) and, of course, I *LOVE* it. It has more guitars and other instruments which is kind of cool, since she's usually pretty piano/organ/harpsicordish. Some of her albums I really had to sit with for awhile or even let sit for awhile and come back to before I realized I *LOVED* it, but this one like Scarlet's Walk, Little Earthquakes & To Venus & Back. Okay, so now you want to know, and you can go to www.toriamos.com to find out more. Oh yes, and there's also her new book, Piece By Piece by Ann... something. Powers? Crap. Anyhow- there's more info about it there too, I'm sure. I don't happen to have it yet, either. Not that I'm hinting. (hint hint)

Yes, so about the letter E.

So it's Monday, I'm in the car with the kids, making a deposit at the ATM before going to get gas and go home for the most important and cherished part of every mother's day... naptime. I left my cellphone at home because it's currently dead and  I'm convinced that I'll be snappy at the ATM. So convinced that I leave the car running, also cleverly avoiding a parking ticket (forgetting it's a holdiay) since I have minimal change- and remember, I'm being snappy. I complete my transaction snappily as predicted and turn around to hear chug..chug..chug.... then silence from the engine. Okay, fine. It's not warmed up enough. I stick the card & receipt in my pocket and sit in the car to check out the situation, and there it was. The letter E. Damn.

So. Two kids, $3, a gas can and a car that does me no good. Time for a little stroll, thank GOODNESS I got the stroller out of the Intrepid. (remembering now, that I'm driving the Jeep, which runs out of gas at 1/4 of a tank) I plop the kids in the stroller and cruise down the street to the nearest gas station, figuring this is life's way of getting me to take a walk in the sun with my kids. I park my stroller in the line of cars and wait my turn, get gas (with help from a kind elderly man) and start on my journey back.

I'm walking along the street, and my friend Leo (who I'd lost track of long ago) pulls up alongside me. We talk for a minute, then decide he should meet me at the house in a few minutes after I get the gas in and kids down so we can visit properly. He takes off, and I finish walking back to the car.

So.... I get the gas and the kids into the car, slide into the seat, relieved that it was such a minimal ordeal and happy to have taken a nice walk in the sun with the kids and run into Leo. I put the key in the ignition and turn. The engine yawns and fumbles around and goes back to sleep. No, no, Jeep. Niiiiice Jeep. I give it a minute, pump the gas, and try starting it from neutral. Another sleepy attempt. Nonono... it's time to wake UP! Wake UP, you car! I get out and rock it, hoping it might stir the gas around in the tank (hey, sometimes that works) and try again. Another lazy protest. They sky and my mood are getting a bit cloudy at this point, and Aiden is already shifting between punchy and overtired.Ugh.

About 20 minutes later, a nice couple in a BMW stops and I ask the overprimped, frizzy haired wife is they have a cellphone I can use. She directs me to her husband in the car. I call my house, since I know Leo will be there soon if he's not already, and I'm pretty sure my roomates are home. Please oh please oh please answer... nothing. I leave a semi-pleasant S.O.S. on the machine, hang up and call my dad's cellphone. Please oh please oh please answer... nothing. I again leave a semi-pleasant S.O.S. on his voicemail, hang up and call his shop. Please oh please oh please answer... "Car Doctor, can I help you?" Haaaaallelujah! A human! ... that proceeds to scold me for running out of gas and give me a list of things I shouldn't have done. I'll kill you, and your little dog, too, dammit. Shut up and HELP already! He says he'll tell my dad that I'm stuck and where. Whew.

Aiden is exhuasted at this point, since we've been in the same spot for over an hour. He starts crying which stresses Tobin out, so I try and find something to entertain Aiden with, and let Tobin play on the sidewalk away from Aiden's ever fervent wailing.Where is my dad? Where is Leo? Where are my roommates? The crying is escalating, and so isthe tension in between my eyes. I find a sippycup Thank GOD and give it to Aiden, who mercifully falls asleep within a few minutes.

Thinking (read: hoping, pleading to God, wishing with all my might) that maybe the battery and gas had come to some allegiance to help me out, I again try the key. Nothing. Not a damn thing. No click, no lazy protest, no sign that the car even acknowledges the presence of myself or the key. AAAAUUUGGHHH!!! Of course, at this point, Tobin falls down on the concrete and is screaming, and so I get out of the car to notice that A) it had gotten FREEZING and windy in the past 10 minutes and B) it was starting to rain. Special.

 

 

Okay, here we go again. I have another free minute or ten, if I'm lucky. Yesterday, Aiden wasn't awake yet when I had to go to work, so Steve, one of my roomates (who Aiden *adores*) said he'd listen for him until I got Gabby and Tobin (from Manny) and was able to come back. Translation: I got 15 entire minutes to myself, unobstructed by housework, e-mail or cellphone on the way to work. As an additional bonus, the Intrepid is out of commision because the fan is broken (that's not the good part) which means I get to drive my dad's Jeep Wagoneer, which is ubercool in my book. I feel so much more at home driving something like that or an old truck than a new zip-de-do-da little schnazzmobile. You know?

I just finished putting some pictures up from when Steve and I took the kids to Howarth Park this last week. It was only about 5 minutes out of the car when Aiden fell on his face on the pavement, and about another one and a half before he was back up and reaching for the skateboard, his first love. He can say "Hot!" which was also Tobin's first word (did I already write that?) and (is there a way to convey severe disgruntlement in writing? because I'd like to do it here) *ahem*... yes, so the second word Aiden can say is (gruntlegruntlygruntle) "Steve". Yeah. Feeeeel the love. For Steve. Did I mention disgruntelement?

Okay, so it sounds like "Sthsthstheee!" (you have to say with a lot of lube in your cheek if you really want to get it right) but still. I suppose I understand the draw of someone who can do "gnarly kickflips!" (or "nahly KICKflips, Mommy!! as Tobin would say) over someone who feeds, changes, clothes, entertains, educates, provides medical, dental and all transportational needs for the next eighteen (or so) years. What am I saying? I need to learn to skateboard again.

Tobin is growing up so quickly... I can already see him turning into a four year old, and he's barely three. It's like he wakes up in the morning more handsome and intelligent every morning. Well, almost every morning. Sometimes he just wakes up crying and covered in pee and that's okay, too. (although definitely not preffered) He and Gabby make up their own little worlds when they play together, and it's so wonderful to watch them and remember what it was like to just imagine something and have it be... where the entire reality of the situation is altered because they're so submerged in the world they've created. Well, I supposed I know some adults like that, but it's considerably less innocent and inspiring, if not the complete opposite.

I've still got to look into uploading video on there- I"m not sure if they're set up for animation or not. I've got some really cute footage on my phone of the kids. I took them camping this weekend, which was a bit chilly, but that's why we love California! Camping in February. Hell yes. It was beautiful and hardly anyone was out because of the Superbowl. I think my Sunday was MUCH better spent throwing rocks into the river with Tobin for two hours than staring at the tube eating chips. If the Niners ever get their grits, maybe I'll feel a bit differently.

Anyhow- I'm going to spend some more time cleaning and possibly even bathing (now that might be pushing it) while I still have some time. I hope you guys enjoy the pictures- I'll be putting more up as soon as I have them.

quote(s) for the day: "You are worried about seeing him spend his early years in doing nothing.  What!  Is it nothing to be happy?  Nothing to skip, play, and run around all day long?  Never in his life will he be so busy again."  Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, 1762

Boy, n.:  a noise with dirt on it.  ~Not Your Average Dictionary

 

Newness

My creative writing teacher in high school always said to just write anything that comes to mind for ten minutes before trying to write anything constructive. I guess this is sort of my version of that, since I've been staring at the screen for some time now. It's so hard to know where to start when I feel so in the middle all of the time, never at the beginning or end. I guess that's where we're supposed to be though, right? Because if we're not in the middle, then we're ahead of or behind ourselves, neither of which I think is very good. Man, I can't believe I'm actually writing in my journal again.

I've made a resolution to myself as of late (loosely related to a New Year's resolution, I suppose, but I'm running to catch up with even the dates at this point) to try and write more... a few times a week, at least. My therapist says its good for me, and I know she's right. It's so hard, though... I find it incredbly hard to put myself back out here, where there are people who can read the context of my heart and mind who have hurt me very deeply. I rarely find it hard to forgive, but I do find it difficult to erase the imprint left on my insides. I have pulled back in most areas of my life to maintain working two nanny jobs and making sure my children (and myself) are nurtured in every way.

Aiden is walking, which is still a very recent development. Lucky for you guys, that new development comes along with my new videophone, which is a new development in my life that I LOVE. (I think it requires quicktime or something to view, though- let me know!) This little "development" is thanks to the little house fairy Aiden must have given my old cellphone to in the 10 seconds I wasn't looking at him right before I was out the door for work two weeks ago. He is SUCH a little boy. He will get into ANYthing I leave anywhere, especially if it has sugar in it. I found this out around Christmas, when we had hidden some Hershey's kisses in a drawer in the coffee table and Aiden figured out how to open the drawer, pop one in his mouth and close them both as if nothing had happened. Stinker!

Tobin is, of course, as handsome, intelligent and sweet as ever. Of course, there's always the attention competition with Aiden, which is inevitable with siblings, and hard on everyone. Tobin is potty training now, (yiippeeee!!!!) and he's doing alright- he's wearing Pull Ups daily, (diapers during naps) and mostly, they're staying dry, except for #2s, dagnabit. When he goes, we sing conga-line style (a-peepee-in-the-pot-TY! a-peepee-in-the-pot-TY!) to the cupboard for a supriiiiiiiize! (mostly, I can get away with giving him a vitamin or a raspberry chewable eccinacea supplement- delicious AND nutritious!) Yes, yes... this affirms my hippiness has remained intact.

As for me- I've begun drums lessons (Djembe, not a kit) which I really find a lot of joy in, and have a natural talent for. At least all of those 6am choir classes counting all those bizzarre rhythms over and over (and over and over) are going to some good in my adult life. I've felt really moved to make music recently as well- I'm not sure with my voice or drum of both (or neither) yet but I'm trying to not be so shy about doing whatever it is in front of people.

I'm not sure what my hang up is... maybe making music is something too close my my heart for me to just proclaim to strangers. But I suppose when I die, I'd rather have sung my soul as beautifully as possible to closed ears than to have kept my insights and illusions to myself and never have tried. It's scary, though. For some reason. I don't know... hopefully I'll be able to move past it in the next little chunk of time.

So... here we are. my first entry in for damn ever. I did it! Now I just have to figure out how to upload from my new videophone. Anyhow- I hope you all are well, and I'm really going to try and make an effort to keep this updated more often- amazingly enough, (to me, anyhow) a lot of people inquired when I stopped writing so much. I can't believe so many people around and about read this silly thing! I never thought my random ramblings would hold interest for anyone but myself... I guess it goes to show you never know. Well, I better get back to life, laundry and the persuit of chocolate. :)

Quote for the day, (one of my favorites, and slightly New Year-esque) "You must be the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi

PS: I'm also trying out a new site through AOHell that allows  me to send out one e-mail to all of you (that so desire) each time I update my journal. I have sent a few of you invitations either a while ago or within the last day- if you'd like to receive one and haven't, please let me know. It's an invite-only list at the moment, though I may make it public later when I feel more comfortable sharing with the general public, or, you know, when I get around to it. :)

The Burning

 

I feel like I should have seen it coming
but I was too caught up in my day to day
and there it was
hot, immediate, startling and raw

I hung my head
I hung my head

the cool of the linoleum on my knees
clutching my chest
I can handle this, I think
I want my mother
but I have to be one

tears sting my eyes
I take a deep breath
try and cool the pain
patch myself up
and move on with my day
mericfully numb
knowing the scar will eventually fade

Responses

First of all, this is my journal. It is the place I can write down how I feel honestly, and provide other people who are far away or not so involved in our everyday lives the inside scoop on our everyday situations. What we are going through now is so painful... so detailed and deep that nothing I can say here in a few paragraphs can make you clearly understand, especially since I am just beginning to myself. I will try and write as much as possible both for my own sake and so as to keep you all informed as well.

I need the freedom to write what I feel here. I have that freedom. I welcome your comments, but please bear in mind that I hardly know what's going on in my life right now, and it's impossible for me to formulate the perfect words to truely convey the heart of my thoughts and feelings, and even more impossible for me to find avenues to express myself through that won't offend anyone. This is a time of huge growth and change for everyone involved, and these here are just my thoughts on it.

On that note, there is something I have to clear up regarding my last entry. I do NOT think Randal is a machine, and the sentence directly after I even introduced the word in my entry says so. I even likened him to my own father directly afterward, and they are two of the most dear people to me in the world. I used machine as a metaphor because Randal moves like one... steady, proficient, and never ceasing to fulfill his duty. When functioning properly, the military functions like a well-oiled machine as well. Machines also have the on/off ability, which compares to how I perceive Randal's words towards me. The day after we had the conversation that started this all, every bit of our conversations that were personal, small talk or feeling-oriented were dropped. Just gone. Off. Of COURSE, of  course the way we relate to each other has changed- our entire worlds have. That metaphor is only a picture of how the changes feel to me.

Most importantly, the kids are doing well (Aiden has his first two teeth coming in!) and Tobin is, of course, as smart and beautiful as ever. I will post pictures up here as soon as I can. Randal and I talk almost everyday, and are trying to weed through this and make the best decisions we can together. Your continued support on both sides of this is appreciated.

 

I'm not sure where to start. Today was one of the hardest days of my entire life. All of you on the inner circles of my life already know this, and to the rest of you, this will probably shock you as much as everyone else.

Randal and I are getting a divorce.

Ouch.

Yesterday  the shock began to wear off, and I felt the first real pangs of separation . This morning,, I looked at the calendar and realized it has been two weeks exactly since The Phonecall. I was just so overwhelmed and consumed in thoughts and emotions that it's propelling me to write now, though I know this subject is so tender.

To those of you on the "other" side of this, I think you all are wonderful, generous, loyal, loving people and I'm so glad to see such close family ties, and lucky to play whatever role in them I have. I want you to have as much access to Aiden as you want, and I would never dream of keeping him from such a caring and steady network of people who love him, the same as I would never dream of keeping Tobin from his.

My life choices have put me in a precarious position, I know. It's taken two full weeks of introspection to even be able to put my thoughts into words about it, as I am trying to now. Randal called and told me today that he's filed the papers. He's decided to make a career out of the military, and is accepting a position doing some sort of super secret ninja thing in other countries, and we just can't wait years on end trying to maintain, let alone build on a relationship only built in 4 months time.

He told me a couple of months ago that he wanted to get married so soon because he wanted to make it by tax day. How romantic. I was afraid of the social discraces placed upon a single mother with two kids from two different fathers. We really liked each other. It seemed like an obvious match. A smart match. But the thing that he feels deep down feeds his soul makes me unhappy, and vice versa. It's terrible to accept, I know. Sometimes I just want to look at people and scream, "I HURT!" But I've got those boys we all love to love, and I know without a doubt that my love for them can overcome and heal any hurt I have from this, and keep me going when I feel like I absolutely can't. I feel so blessed to be aware of how special and amazing they both are, and to have them in my life, no matter the circumstances.

I still have my same day-to-day lfe here, though I am thinking of moving to Sacramento in a few months where rent (and everything else) is cheaper, since I'll have full financial responsibility (minus child support) and I know that is a lot, and something I am just beginning to get my sea legs with. Sea legs.

Our conversations are so businesslike... it's like he just dissappeared into the blue, just like he came out of it. It's almost like he's some sort of machine... I've never seen anyone work as much and with such precision as Randal- even my dad, and in case you don't know him, that's saying something. Machines also have that amazing on/off ability. Funny thing is of course Randal's a human, and I hope that as he chooses to throw himself into the military machine that he remembers that.

Well, I am exhausted. I am going to attempt to sleep now... I'm doing okay, just so you know. I mean, of course I'm sad and about a million other things, but I know that whatever happens, I have the capability to handle my life and the lives of my children, and that's huge. But now I must rest, because, of course, life goes on, and so do DDGRs, whether I like it or not. Good thing I do. :)

quote for the day: "What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life." Leo Buscaglia