Newness

My creative writing teacher in high school always said to just write anything that comes to mind for ten minutes before trying to write anything constructive. I guess this is sort of my version of that, since I've been staring at the screen for some time now. It's so hard to know where to start when I feel so in the middle all of the time, never at the beginning or end. I guess that's where we're supposed to be though, right? Because if we're not in the middle, then we're ahead of or behind ourselves, neither of which I think is very good. Man, I can't believe I'm actually writing in my journal again.

I've made a resolution to myself as of late (loosely related to a New Year's resolution, I suppose, but I'm running to catch up with even the dates at this point) to try and write more... a few times a week, at least. My therapist says its good for me, and I know she's right. It's so hard, though... I find it incredbly hard to put myself back out here, where there are people who can read the context of my heart and mind who have hurt me very deeply. I rarely find it hard to forgive, but I do find it difficult to erase the imprint left on my insides. I have pulled back in most areas of my life to maintain working two nanny jobs and making sure my children (and myself) are nurtured in every way.

Aiden is walking, which is still a very recent development. Lucky for you guys, that new development comes along with my new videophone, which is a new development in my life that I LOVE. (I think it requires quicktime or something to view, though- let me know!) This little "development" is thanks to the little house fairy Aiden must have given my old cellphone to in the 10 seconds I wasn't looking at him right before I was out the door for work two weeks ago. He is SUCH a little boy. He will get into ANYthing I leave anywhere, especially if it has sugar in it. I found this out around Christmas, when we had hidden some Hershey's kisses in a drawer in the coffee table and Aiden figured out how to open the drawer, pop one in his mouth and close them both as if nothing had happened. Stinker!

Tobin is, of course, as handsome, intelligent and sweet as ever. Of course, there's always the attention competition with Aiden, which is inevitable with siblings, and hard on everyone. Tobin is potty training now, (yiippeeee!!!!) and he's doing alright- he's wearing Pull Ups daily, (diapers during naps) and mostly, they're staying dry, except for #2s, dagnabit. When he goes, we sing conga-line style (a-peepee-in-the-pot-TY! a-peepee-in-the-pot-TY!) to the cupboard for a supriiiiiiiize! (mostly, I can get away with giving him a vitamin or a raspberry chewable eccinacea supplement- delicious AND nutritious!) Yes, yes... this affirms my hippiness has remained intact.

As for me- I've begun drums lessons (Djembe, not a kit) which I really find a lot of joy in, and have a natural talent for. At least all of those 6am choir classes counting all those bizzarre rhythms over and over (and over and over) are going to some good in my adult life. I've felt really moved to make music recently as well- I'm not sure with my voice or drum of both (or neither) yet but I'm trying to not be so shy about doing whatever it is in front of people.

I'm not sure what my hang up is... maybe making music is something too close my my heart for me to just proclaim to strangers. But I suppose when I die, I'd rather have sung my soul as beautifully as possible to closed ears than to have kept my insights and illusions to myself and never have tried. It's scary, though. For some reason. I don't know... hopefully I'll be able to move past it in the next little chunk of time.

So... here we are. my first entry in for damn ever. I did it! Now I just have to figure out how to upload from my new videophone. Anyhow- I hope you all are well, and I'm really going to try and make an effort to keep this updated more often- amazingly enough, (to me, anyhow) a lot of people inquired when I stopped writing so much. I can't believe so many people around and about read this silly thing! I never thought my random ramblings would hold interest for anyone but myself... I guess it goes to show you never know. Well, I better get back to life, laundry and the persuit of chocolate. :)

Quote for the day, (one of my favorites, and slightly New Year-esque) "You must be the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi

PS: I'm also trying out a new site through AOHell that allows  me to send out one e-mail to all of you (that so desire) each time I update my journal. I have sent a few of you invitations either a while ago or within the last day- if you'd like to receive one and haven't, please let me know. It's an invite-only list at the moment, though I may make it public later when I feel more comfortable sharing with the general public, or, you know, when I get around to it. :)

The Burning

 

I feel like I should have seen it coming
but I was too caught up in my day to day
and there it was
hot, immediate, startling and raw

I hung my head
I hung my head

the cool of the linoleum on my knees
clutching my chest
I can handle this, I think
I want my mother
but I have to be one

tears sting my eyes
I take a deep breath
try and cool the pain
patch myself up
and move on with my day
mericfully numb
knowing the scar will eventually fade

Responses

First of all, this is my journal. It is the place I can write down how I feel honestly, and provide other people who are far away or not so involved in our everyday lives the inside scoop on our everyday situations. What we are going through now is so painful... so detailed and deep that nothing I can say here in a few paragraphs can make you clearly understand, especially since I am just beginning to myself. I will try and write as much as possible both for my own sake and so as to keep you all informed as well.

I need the freedom to write what I feel here. I have that freedom. I welcome your comments, but please bear in mind that I hardly know what's going on in my life right now, and it's impossible for me to formulate the perfect words to truely convey the heart of my thoughts and feelings, and even more impossible for me to find avenues to express myself through that won't offend anyone. This is a time of huge growth and change for everyone involved, and these here are just my thoughts on it.

On that note, there is something I have to clear up regarding my last entry. I do NOT think Randal is a machine, and the sentence directly after I even introduced the word in my entry says so. I even likened him to my own father directly afterward, and they are two of the most dear people to me in the world. I used machine as a metaphor because Randal moves like one... steady, proficient, and never ceasing to fulfill his duty. When functioning properly, the military functions like a well-oiled machine as well. Machines also have the on/off ability, which compares to how I perceive Randal's words towards me. The day after we had the conversation that started this all, every bit of our conversations that were personal, small talk or feeling-oriented were dropped. Just gone. Off. Of COURSE, of  course the way we relate to each other has changed- our entire worlds have. That metaphor is only a picture of how the changes feel to me.

Most importantly, the kids are doing well (Aiden has his first two teeth coming in!) and Tobin is, of course, as smart and beautiful as ever. I will post pictures up here as soon as I can. Randal and I talk almost everyday, and are trying to weed through this and make the best decisions we can together. Your continued support on both sides of this is appreciated.

 

I'm not sure where to start. Today was one of the hardest days of my entire life. All of you on the inner circles of my life already know this, and to the rest of you, this will probably shock you as much as everyone else.

Randal and I are getting a divorce.

Ouch.

Yesterday  the shock began to wear off, and I felt the first real pangs of separation . This morning,, I looked at the calendar and realized it has been two weeks exactly since The Phonecall. I was just so overwhelmed and consumed in thoughts and emotions that it's propelling me to write now, though I know this subject is so tender.

To those of you on the "other" side of this, I think you all are wonderful, generous, loyal, loving people and I'm so glad to see such close family ties, and lucky to play whatever role in them I have. I want you to have as much access to Aiden as you want, and I would never dream of keeping him from such a caring and steady network of people who love him, the same as I would never dream of keeping Tobin from his.

My life choices have put me in a precarious position, I know. It's taken two full weeks of introspection to even be able to put my thoughts into words about it, as I am trying to now. Randal called and told me today that he's filed the papers. He's decided to make a career out of the military, and is accepting a position doing some sort of super secret ninja thing in other countries, and we just can't wait years on end trying to maintain, let alone build on a relationship only built in 4 months time.

He told me a couple of months ago that he wanted to get married so soon because he wanted to make it by tax day. How romantic. I was afraid of the social discraces placed upon a single mother with two kids from two different fathers. We really liked each other. It seemed like an obvious match. A smart match. But the thing that he feels deep down feeds his soul makes me unhappy, and vice versa. It's terrible to accept, I know. Sometimes I just want to look at people and scream, "I HURT!" But I've got those boys we all love to love, and I know without a doubt that my love for them can overcome and heal any hurt I have from this, and keep me going when I feel like I absolutely can't. I feel so blessed to be aware of how special and amazing they both are, and to have them in my life, no matter the circumstances.

I still have my same day-to-day lfe here, though I am thinking of moving to Sacramento in a few months where rent (and everything else) is cheaper, since I'll have full financial responsibility (minus child support) and I know that is a lot, and something I am just beginning to get my sea legs with. Sea legs.

Our conversations are so businesslike... it's like he just dissappeared into the blue, just like he came out of it. It's almost like he's some sort of machine... I've never seen anyone work as much and with such precision as Randal- even my dad, and in case you don't know him, that's saying something. Machines also have that amazing on/off ability. Funny thing is of course Randal's a human, and I hope that as he chooses to throw himself into the military machine that he remembers that.

Well, I am exhausted. I am going to attempt to sleep now... I'm doing okay, just so you know. I mean, of course I'm sad and about a million other things, but I know that whatever happens, I have the capability to handle my life and the lives of my children, and that's huge. But now I must rest, because, of course, life goes on, and so do DDGRs, whether I like it or not. Good thing I do. :)

quote for the day: "What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life." Leo Buscaglia

...cont'd

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. You know, I tried to spell that all as one word, but it just ends up spelling 'hug hug hug' (which is the OPPOSITE of the feeling I'm trying to convey here. (Ughughughughug... See?) And now you know!

Other than the aforementioned trauma, my day was pretty average. I just got done completely redoing my living room and moving around some of Tobin's furniture and now it's SO MUCH better, and I feel SO MUCH better. I spent from 8-ish am to 1:30am working like a crazy woman, (unfortunately, that's not the longest day I've spent working nonstop. Yuck.) but I FINISHED, and now I can chill out a little bit before I attack the upstairs this weekend. Whew.

Anyhow- I just filled in a whole bunch of pictures, and I have even more, so I hope you guys don't mind so many pictures at once, but I'm behind, and you guys are missing the cuteness! But now you aren't going to anymore, since I'm finally getting them up here. If you have any questions about what or who anything/one is, feel free to ask, but if I itemize everything, I'll never get the kids to bed.

Speaking of which, I'd better go.

Yuck, mice.

quote for the day: "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." (or the scream, in my case) Jon Hammond

 

PS: The two animals in the pictures are my friend Jim Kettleson's new teenytiny longahaired chihuahua, Tinkerbell (aww) and one of Tobin's new hermit crabs, he named Sankyo. (the other one is Yankyo) You guess which one's which. :)

TRAUMA. Seriously. Trauma.

Okay. The first *and* third most traumatic child-related events I've ever had happened happened to me today, and within minutes of each other. (I'll have to save the former first one for later- it involves a similar situation as the third, only with a kitten) Don't worry, no one was hurt, although I think my nerves are still a bit frazzled. What, what was it, you wonder? Well, let me tell you.

I was inside the house at work with Gabby & Aiden, and Tobin was right outside the front door, where I was watching him through the window. The kids are in adventurous and imaginitive phases right now, and I hear ALL SORTS of things on a daily basis, so when I hear, "I got a little bunny! It's soft and squishy!" I don't think much of it. Until Tobin moves to the screen door WAVING A MOUSE at me. I can feel the eyes shoot out of my head, and immediately, I respond ever so calmly with "PutitdownputitdownputitdownputitDOWN, Tobin!!" I couldn't tell if it was alive and writhing or if he was just giving it a generous jiggle. Turns out it was the latter. YEALCH.

So, I bring him into the house, try not to freak him out and wash his hands about 8,605 times. Then I go pick up the poor little GROSS GROSS GROSS dead mouse with a bundled up towel and toss it onto a bush for Sean (Gabby's dad- 'Papa' as the kids -even mine- call him) to deal with. This concludes the third most traumatizing kid experience ever.

*AND THEN* ... oh yes... we're waiting for the clincher, here. And THEN, I go outside, trying to calmly bounce Aiden to sleep in the sling and... man, I'm not even sure I want to think about it enough to say it... ugh. Okay. *Deeep breath.* I'm just going to close my eyes and type it: I STEPPED ON ANOTHER DEAD MOUSE. BAREFOOT. I almost died. Walking along the grass, bouncing Aiden along and a little soft, slightly crunchy little... YUCK. No more. I can't handle it. The most traumatizing babysitting-related (only by geography, since no kids were directly involved) event of my life. Shudder. Guh-ROSS.

...con'td

Well. both my entries so far ended in bodily fluid expulsions How nice. Such is the life of a mother. (And a sister of Porky, apparently!) How about something else? :)

Aiden is almost back to sleep- hooray! That means I can actually DO stuff. I can't believe that I worked ALL DAY LONG yesterday trying to get the house in order and it looks THE FRIGGIN SAME. *sigh* I'm going through every corner of the house and scrubbing, organizing, taking away little things I don't need, clothes I don't wear or the kids have outgrown, storing things away I don't immediately need... there is just TOO MUCH in not enough space here, and I am going to rip my hair out  if  I have to live with it any longer. The last time I really had the house together was before I left for Vegas over a month ago, and then I was gone and ther was unpacking and children and a mother back from no responsibilities and a husband to herself to full responsibility and no husband. Yeah. Nifty. At least we got away, though.

It blows my mind how much effort it takes to really get things together. I mean have EVERYTHING organized in the house (last time THAT happened was before I had two kids, and I am not kidding myself thinking I'm actually going to get and keep it that way) But I want it organized. When Aiden pukes, I want to know where there are burp rags. I want to be able to reach into a drawer and know where to find a specific outfit. I can actually do those things right now, after many hours of labor, and I'm still working on reoarganizing even more, but trying to do that while keeping up with kids, laundry, bills and dishes is pretty darn tiring.

On that note, the kids are up, so I better go. I'll put pictures up as soon as I get another chance. I hope you all are well, and I promise to write more and more often!

quote for the day: "A sister is both your mirror - and your opposite." Elizabeth Fishel